Journal of Twenty Two Life: Talking about "Losing Someone"

(Kredit foto: Josh Felise)

“I think the hardest part of losing someone, isn’t having to say goodbye, but rather learning to live without them. Always trying to fill the void, the emptiness that’s left inside your heart when they go.”

 –Unknown--

Hi, talking about ‘losing someone’ (re: parent who already passed away), do you ever tried to fill the emptiness that’s left inside your heart? If you do, what is your best thing to do?

I have two things to do. First, I keep learning to live without them. Second, I give my live to my family who still "beside" me. And today, I would like to tell you the second one. About giving my live to my family.

****

“Akhirnya aku tahu Mamaku sakit apa. Tadi aku habis nganterin ke rumah sakit.”

Dua minggu yang lalu, kalimat tersebut dilontarkan teman saya secara tiba-tiba. Sejujurnya, saya cukup terkejut ketika dia dengan begitu santainya membuka pembicaraan mengenai penyakit Ibunya. Namun, saat itu saya hanya diam dan mendengarkan dia yang sedang bercerita dengan tenang. Dia bahkan sesekali masih tertawa kecil untuk beberapa hal yang dianggapnya layak untuk ditertawakan. Melihat caranya bercerita, tiba-tiba ingatan saya langsung berjalan mundur pada kejadian 8 tahun yang lalu, ketika Mama saya divonis penyakit yang hampir sama.

Saat itu saya hanya tinggal berdua dengan Mama saya karena kakak pertama saya kuliah di Jogja sementara kakak kedua saya sekolah di Amerika. Singkat cerita Mama saya memberi tahu tentang sakitnya pada malam hari. Paginya beliau harus segera operasi di luar kota dan saya tidak boleh ikut karena harus bersekolah. Sampai di sekolah, temen-teman dekat saya bertanya ada apa karena menurut mereka saat itu saya sedikit berbeda. But at that time, I said I'm okay. Of course I told them about my Mama’s surgery, but I said I’m okay.

Karena ketika itu saya akan menghadapi UN SMP dan pengobatannya Mama berada di Madiun, jadi saya tinggal di rumah Ponorogo sendiri untuk beberapa waktu. Di waktu tertentu, saya pergi ke Madiun menggunakan bus dan langsung turun tepat di depan Rumah Sakit tempat Mama saya dirawat.

Ketika itu banyak teman-teman, tetangga dan beberapa guru di sekolah yang khawatir dengan keadaan saya.  Secara konstan, mereka menayakan keadaan saya. But at that time, I told them I'm okay.

Sejujurnya, waktu itu saya sebenarnya tidak baik-baik saja. Tapi karena saya tidak suka ditanya banyak hal serta tidak nyaman dikasihani, saya selalu bilang kalau saya baik-baik saja. Dan, itulah yang saya lihat dari teman saya ketika dia bercerita tentang Ibunya. Sekalipun dia bercerita dengan tenang dan santai, saya tahu itulah cara dia untuk membuat teman-temannya tidak ikut khawatir.

Dan pada akhirnya, kemarin, Allah memilih untuk ngambil Ibunya. Sementara teman saya, masih dengan gaya tenang dan santainya, bilang bahwa dia sudah ikhlas. Ikhlas untuk melepaskan Ibunya. Ikhlas untuk berhenti mengejar mimpinya bekerja di luar Jawa demi hidup dekat dengan keluarga dan makam Ibunya. It was so hurt breaking, really :")) Because I know her. More than that, because I feel her. Semua, yang dia ceritakan mulai dari kejadiannya, cara dia bercerita tentang masalahnya, dan cara dia bilang bahwa dia baik-baik saja, membuat saya terenyuh. I see the old me in her eyes, bahwa pada kenyataannya semua tidak baik-baik saja.

Sejak Papa saya meninggal 13 tahun yang lalu dan sejak Mama saya juga nyaris menyerah dengan penyakitnya 8 tahun yang lalu, saya jadi bisa merasakan perasaan orang-orang terdekat saya yang sedang mengalami hal yang sama. I know how heartbreaking it is. I know how hard to handle the pain.

Jadi, buat kalian, yang masih memiliki orang tua lengkap dan sehat wal afiat, jangan sungkan untuk menunjukkan perhatian dan kasih sayang kalian kepada mereka. Kita tidak ada yang tahu sampai kapan akan diberi kesempatan untuk berbakti dan menikmati waktu bersama orang tua. Menyesal selalu datang belakangan. Dan untuk kalian, yang mungkin pernah menganggap cemen dan mental tempe orang-orang yang tidak bisa tinggal terlalu jauh dari keluarganya, jangan berfikir negatif dulu. Siapa tahu orangtuanya tinggal satu dan uang serta kesuksesan tidak bisa membeli kebahagiaannya yaitu hidup dekat dengan keluarga.

Journal of Twenty Two Life: When Tomorrow Becomes Vague

"I think your 20's are the hardest part of life. I mean, everyone goes on about how hard it is to be a teenager, but actually I think it's tougher to be in your 20s because you're expected to be a grow up and expected to earn your own living and be successful and I think you feel like a kid still" 

-Nigel Cole-

Yeah, then right after I read those quote, suddenly I wanna back on my childhood…

Oh anyway, hi! My name is Aini. I’m 22 years old right now. I just graduated from my collage life last month. And now, I currently working in one of Company in my country, Indonesia as marketing staff. The fun fact was, I graduated as Bachelor of Education and (supposed to be) a teacher. Yes, (it supposed to be). That the main reason of my Mama why she choose those major for me 4 years ago. Because she want me to work in Education field as my Papa did. But unfortunately, I have my own dreams. I used to dream to get Bachelor of Communication. Because I do really love public speaking and I interest in Marketing stuff. Even God finally guided me on History Education instead of Communication Sciences, but today here I am, working as Marketing staff. 

After I struggling on my 4 years and finally got what I’ve been dreaming of, I should be happy and proud, shouldn’t I?But here I am, walking with anxiety and feel being lost. I used to know who I am, who I wanna be, what I wanna do and where I gonna go. But then, suddenly there were hundred random thoughts on my mind and it kill me for sure.

“Is it good enough for me? Am I good enough for this job? Should I leave? Or should I stay? Should I try to be patient? Or should I give up from this way? Is it all what I want? Or is this all what I need? Am I happy enough for all of this? Am I the one who feel uneasy? Or am I just didn’t find a good place yet?”

All those questions pop up on my mind every day. Meanwhile, I couldn’t find anyone to find the answer. Why? Because everyone is struggling with their own life and because I’m the one who know the best answer of all those questions. Usually, I write down all of my insecurities on my note or blog. But lately it feel so difficult. Whenever I take my pen and note to write, everything suddenly become vague. Then I tried to read several books to find another way, but sadly, all those insecurities still staying on my mind and pop up in the morning with the same questions.But today, I found a magic note from a book that I’ve read some hours ago. The title was “Dear Tomorrow” by Maudy Ayunda. It wrote:

“Your self may not be something that you can find it may not exist. It is a combination of what you do, what you stand for, and who you want to be. In other words, your self is for you to define –not for you to find. So instead for looking within, look outside and find yourself while you learn more about the world. What characters attract you, what actions inspires you. Once you have, strive to be just that.”

And as expected, I feel more calm after I read those quote. Once again, book saved me. It help me to find the right answer. Even for the super random question of life. Is it interesting, isn't?

So dear my friends who feel the same feeling like me, 

Listen, you are not alone. If peoples around you couldn't answer your random thought, just start to read several books and try to have a good journey with your deep heart.

And dear my self...

Could you just enjoy your life just the way it is?

You just need to do as the best you can and see where God would guide you.

Yogyakarta, 3 September 2018

Journal of Twenty Two Life: Understanding

I never bored to tell my self to understand,

What is life through my lens.

Recently, I quite often captured a beautiful-happy face yet broken soul inside.

Then, I realized nobody have a perfect life.

It may perfect outside, but nobody knows what happen inside.

As often as I found my self cried in anger and disappointment.

No, I’m not angry and disappoint with her.

I was angry and disappointed with my self:

Why I couldn’t handle my feeling better?

Why I couldn’t accept everything just the way they are?

Why I couldn’t realize that everything is always happen for a reason?

But however, saw a broken life of your best friend was not an easy case.

As not easy as stand by her side in her truly condition.

The truly condition that she was wrong,

The truly condition that you honestly hate what she did.

But in the other way,
You also know that she need you so much.
That she need you to help her,
to fix all those broken heart.
to fix her broken life.

Dear my self,
Could you try to understand this part of life?

Yogyakarta, 21th July 2017

Jadinya Abu-Abu

Hatimu bilang jangan

Tapi kau malah berhenti

Hatiku bilang tunggu

Tapi aku malah siap-siap untuk pergi

Lantas, kapan bisa bertemu?

Sudah tahu jarak dan waktu sudah mengutuk habis-habisan sejak dulu

Bukannya berlari mengejar

Justru, malah sibuk menyelimuti ragu

Sudah tau ragu, tapi malah digugu

Mau tak mau, akhirnya jadi abu-abu

Ditulis di:

Yogyakarta, 6 Oktober 2017

Tenggelam

Jika orang bilang menulis itu merapikan kenangan, maka aku ingin berujar bahwa membaca membuatku tenggelam. Seperti beberapa hari belakangan ini, ketika kuputuskan berkata “iya” kepada jiwa yang izin hendak bersua. Bohong kalau kukatakan bahwa aku tak tenggelam. Hatiku lebih dari sekedar paham untuk menjelaskan sejauh mana ia telah menelisik jauh ke dalam. Kalau ini bisa disebut jatuh cinta, maka ingin ku ucapkan selamat kepada hati yang sedang berbunga. Kini, si hati menyadari, bahwa memang benar cinta  tak harus memiliki. Aku terlalu lama terperangkap dengan definisi cinta yang “saru”. Yang menuntut untuk begini dan begitu. Nyatanya mencintaimu itu sederhana. Tidak perlu takut kau pergi, pun tak perlu takut kau akan mati. Kalau-kalau si hati ini sedang demam merindu, ia hanya butuh menenggak tulisanmu. Kembali membaca dan tenggelam. Semakin menelisik ke dalam, dan hanyut secara diam-diam.

Tentang Bulan dan Rasa

Bulan terus berputar dengan siklusnya
Tak selaras dengan rasa yang hidup pada manusia
Jikalau bulan punya ketentuannya,
maka rasa tak ada aturannya
Ia tumbuh tanpa hukum yang mengikat
Kapan saja bisa mati, bisa benci,
atau bahkan bisa berubah jadi cinta penuh arti

Koma,

Aku mencintaimu dengan tanda koma,

agar rasa tak bersua dengan "usai" yang seutuhnya

Aku memang sengaja menaruhnya di sana,

agar kalau si hati sedang lelah mencinta,

ia punya celah untuk sebentar saja menjeda 

Journal of Twenty Two Life: Di Luar Kendali

Aku sedang jengah. Jengah pada semesta yang akhir-akhir ini tidak berpihak pada usaha. Ketika semua daya, doa dan upaya telah ditempuh, seharusnya semua berjalan sesuai rencana. Begitu, kan seharusnya?

Man jadda wajada, berkali-kali kuucap mantra itu. Dan aku memilih untuk percaya padanya. Seutuhnya. Namun ia seakan membelot. Mempermainkan keyakinanku, lantas menggodanya agar runtuh tepat dihadapanku.

Sungguh, ia memang benar-benar tahu bagaimana cara menguji. Ia tahu kesabaran milik siapa yang layak dieksekusi.

Namun sekali lagi, aku (masih) memilih untuk percaya. Sekalipun sedang jengah. Sekalipun semesta belum juga berpindah arah.

Yogyakarta,

Ditulis ditengah-tengah penantian yang panjang.

Journal of Twenty Two Life: Siklus Kehidupan: Tentang Sebuah Kematian

Apa yang kalian pikirkan pertama kali jika mendengar kata “kematian”? Sebuah tangisan? Ketakutan? Kesedihan? Atau kehilangan?

Maka aku memilih untuk menyebutnya sebuah kegelapan.

Jika kalian cukup mengulik jauh blog ini, maka kalian akan menemukan banyak luka yang menguar. Luka tentang kematian dan kehilangan, luka yang bertahun-tahun selalu kucoba untuk disembuhkan. Maka setelah sekian lama aku tidak membicarakannya, malam ini, entah mengapa aku ingin kembali bergumul dengannya.

Aku tahu, kematian memang sesuatu yang pasti. Pun dengan yang namanya kehilangan. Dengan gamblang, Sapardi Djoko Damono bahkan mengungkapkan bahwa ketakutan terhadap kematian dan kelahiran merupakan hal yang sangat wajar, yang sama sekali tidak bisa dipahami namun pasti akan terjadi. Aku bukan seorang filsuf yang menurut Sapardi sudah cukup akrab dengan pembahasan tentang tiga serangkai yang pelik nan muskyil yaitu: lahir, hidup, mati.
Pun, aku bukan sastrawan layaknya Amir Hamzah yang mampu menghidupkan keambiguan antara ketakutan dan kesiapan terhadap sebuah kematian. Syairku belum mampu menandingi sajak "Karikatur Orang Kedinginan". Aku hanyalah aku, seorang gadis yang mencoba berobat dengan rentetan kata, yang rajin ia susun agar lupa rasanya sakit karena luka.

Aku sempat mengira bahwa kematian yang lalu-lalu sudah cukup mampu menegarkanku. Tapi nyatanya tidak. Kuakui aku masih takut bertatap muka dengannya.

Akhir-akhir ini, entah mengapa bayangan salah seorang terpenting di hidupku terus berkelebat. Frekuensinya semakin hari semakin hebat. Membuatku tidak tenang dan semakin diliputi oleh rasa ketakutan. Kemudian aku tersadar, bahwa sekeras apapun kusamarkan, ‘ia’ memang tidak berkendak untuk pergi seutuhnya. Lantas ketika bayang-bayang kematian kembali muncul, aku jadi kelimpungan dan semakin tidak karuan.

Teruntuk, hati yang belum pulih seutuhnya. Kau masih mau berjuang untuk menyembuhkannya, bukan? 

Yogyakarta, 2 Juni 2018

Ditulis ketika semakin takut untuk kehilangan Eyang Putri.

Journal of Twenty Two Life: I Love The Time When I'm on The Train

I love the time when I'm on the train

Look at the window and see the sky,

trees,

mountain,

field,

river,

road,

building,

car,

motorcycle,

bike,

bus,

truck,

container,

and peoples.

I love the time when I'm on the train

Look at the sun come down,

bring the blue color,

then paint it with yellow, 

change it to orange,

then red,

then turn into black,

and suddenly become night.

I love the time when I'm on the train 

Sitting on the seat and date my thoughts

Talking to my deep then thinking out loud

..............

"What I really wanna be?"

"Why this 22 life is so scary?"

Behind window's train. On my way to Yogyakarta.

12th May 2018.

Journal of Twenty Two Life : Prolog

Ketika tulisan ini berhasil diposting, itu tandanya aku menang. Aku sudah berhasil menyisihkan sedikit ruang hatiku untuk berbincang, untuk sekedar berhenti sejenak dan bersyukur. Untuk bertemu dan berdialog lebih dalam dengan “aku”, sebuah jiwa yang sedang berpendar ditengah kesemuan yang fana.

Tulisan-tulisan yang selanjutnya akan kusatukan dalam seri “Journal of Twenty Two Life”, sebuah tulisan sederhana yang ingin kusimpan baik dalam blog ini. Tunggu sebentar, ini tidak akan menjadi sebuah tulisan ataupun jurnal motivasi. Aku hanya ingin menulis dan mengajak jiwa-jiwa yang sedang dirundung kesemuan untuk berdialog dengan dirinya sendiri. Untuk menemukan apa yang sebenarnya ingin ia cari, untuk memahami apa yang seharusnya dimengerti.

Jangan berfikir aku sudah menemukan “aku”. Justru alasan utamaku “menghidupkan” jurnal ini agar bertemu dengannya. Bertemu dengan “aku” yang utuh, yang mengenal dirinya siapa, yang tahu maunya apa, dan yakin tujuannya ingin kemana.

Aku tahu ini bukan tugas yang mudah. Mendidik seorang “aku” menjadi “nahkoda” di laut lepas bukan perkara sepele. Ia belum mahir mengendalikan arah angin, belum mengerti caranya menghalau ombak, pun memperbaiki kapal kalau-kalau suatu saat menabrak batu karang. Terlebih si “aku” sedang menginjak angka dua puluh dua. 

Orang bilang, ketika seorang “aku” sudah menginjak angka dua puluh dua, maka “kacamata”nya akan seketika naik pangkat. Apa yang dilihatnya bukan hanya tentang warna pelangi yang indah. Mungkin ia akan melihat berbagai macam warna yang belum pernah ditemui sebelumnya. Bisa jadi ia akan bertemu dengan warna-warna yang terlihat semu, suram atau pudar. Bisa juga ia akan bertemu dengan aneka warna yang merona, merekah dan juga berani. Maka, tertanggal prolog jurnal ini diposting, semoga si “aku” tidak akan lalai untuk membingkai setiap perjalanan dalam“ekspedisi”nya.  Selamat malam, sampai jumpa di jurnal berikutnya!

Life isn't always lovely, but it's a beautiful ride

Hai, I know it's already 2018, but how your 2017? 

What your best companion?

Your best healer?

This post probably gonna be so cliche, but yeah, if you curious about my 2017's life, enjoy.

****
"we don’t grow when things are easy, we grow when we face challenges."

Hai, do you know that every year couldn't be so lovely and successful year? I know,
I know it for sure, so do my 2017.
I fought for so many rain, and couldn't see the rainbow yet. 
Ya, struggle is not a joke, sometimes it's drive me crazy.

In the end of 2016, I resigned from my 2 UKM (Safel, Magenta Radio) and volunteer activities that I really love. For 2 years since 2014, I gave my time to them. I got so many events, meetings, GR, and so many hectic stuff with them. Even on weekend, I often have kind of A, B, or C things to attend. It was both tired and excited at the same time. Sometimes I got stressed but also got a lot of happiness. Through this UKM and volunteer activities, I got everything that always I dreaming for long time. 

If you read my "Unanswered Prayer" that I post at this blog in 2014, you probably know why I run away from my academic life and choose to trapped in the middle of outside class's activities.

Ya, because I used to hate my own path. So I decide to run away. And I think outside class's activities were my real path. I learn about Cross Culture Understanding, about foreign language, about making project and event, about marketing stuff, about being Radio announcer, being MC, doing live reportage, doing interview, and so many things. More than that, I found new family and friends that I could rely on, that I could trust to discover and learn something new together. We discuss, we fought, we cried, and we laugh in so many things. You know? Because of them I'm alive. I fall for them, till I forget that I still have another important thing to be done. And that was, my academic life.

I'm not an IPK girl, seriously. I don't even often check my siakad. It's because I don't care, and I realized I'm not "top student" in my class. So that's why I run away from the class. I tried to join Safel and Magenta, I start apply for so many things, and I start to join some volunteer activities outside University. Because I know there's nothing that I could do with my academic life. Because I know I'm not smart enough to bet top students in my class and because I realized, I couldn't do nothing. If I couldn't do A, so I should try B, C, until there isn't alphabet anymore in the world.

Until someday I realized, I couldn't be so egoist. I know I couldn't run away forever. My Mama need my academic report. I know she hesitate to asked my IPK since 2014 because she know I'm in pain. But I couldn't do this any longer. So that's why I promise to her to resigned from UKM and all of volunteer activities in the end of 2016 and start to do my academic life with all of my soul in 2017. 

Is it hard?

Yes, really hard.

I'm dying in a year.

I used to be hectic with a lot of activities, I used to meet a lot of peoples and hear many kind of "receh-but entertain" jokes. But suddenly I should being a girl who "not-so-me". What could I do were only went to campus, did assignments, back to Kos, then suddenly it's already morning, and I should do the same thing everyday. Sadly, I didn't see any significant progress yet from my effort. And it's drive me crazy. Seriously, I miss my old path back then. Everyday I told my self with thousand word of "If I could run away to my old path..."

Meanwhile,

I got a lot of friends through UKM and my volunteer activities, and I'm keep in touch with them on Social Media. They keep share their activities, and I saw it everyday. They do a lot of positive and useful things. Meanwhile, I just doing my academic life for my self, and I didn't see a good result yet.
Honestly, I'm jealous. I'm jealous with them who can do a lot of positive things to their self and other. I feel my 2017 path was not so me.

But, 

People keep asking me why I'm resigned, why I didn't join this event, why I didn't apply this project, why I didn't join this volunteer activity. And it's killing me for sure. 

Would they understand my answer?

If I try to tell them, would they hear my super long reason?

And, even if they said yes, I realized, I'll be the one who couldn't tell them. Because once I start to tell them the reason, I probably couldn't hold my tears. And I don't wanna show my tears to them.

Ya, that's the art of struggle. Being strong in struggle is hard, isn't? But, you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have, right??

So that's why I try to looking for a best companion and healer. 

Do you know what is that?

That were "library" and "books".

I dunno how much I should say thanks to "library" and "books" that being both my best companion and healer whenever I feel so desperate. 

You know? every time I ran to library, walking in each row, pick up some books, turn the page and fall into them, it's kinda peaceful time. Suddenly, library and book being my favorite place to escape. It's warm, it's safe, it's peaceful. ❤

In that place, through library and book, I tried to make a peace with my own self. It's such long journey. But it's amazing. Finally, I realized, there's nothing to do with regret. If it already happen, just let it be. Saying "If I could run away to my old path" will not changes the fate. What you can do is only making a new goal, making a new dream, and fight for them without complaining until your last breath. Because "as you waste your breath complaining about life, someone out there is probably breathing their last breath and appreciate what you have."

Look, struggle is not easy right?
But that's okay, because,

"Struggles make you stronger, the changes make you wiser and happiness has its own way of taking its sweet time. Life isn't always lovely, but it's a beautiful ride." ❤ -Allan Garry

So, how about you?

Did you feel your 2017 was not lovely than before?? 

Do you have your best companion and healer to heal your pain?

Let me know, I'll glad to hear your story :)

Pain

She is in pain.

She already told her self thousand times to didn't cross the line.

But she swallow her own word.

She walked too far,

and she trapped

and she couldn't move

and she don't know how to comeback home.

That's why she keep trying to running,

As far as she could pass,

as strong as she could stand.

But sadly,

She realize that her choice was the worst choice that she ever did 

But sadly (again),

She don't know what to do,

except enjoy her own rain,

while she waiting the rainbow come.

probably it will come tomorrow, 

next week, 

next year 

a year after next year

or even it wouldn't come forever.

Pulang

Ini bukan lagi tentang kepulangan,

Tapi tentang rindu yang berusaha ditahan demi sebuah perjuangan

I told my self to didn't 'run' to this railway station before everything done. Before I get what I want. Before I achieve what I trying and praying for.

Those past 5 months were not "easy" period. Sometimes I cried in my room and called my Mama then told her that I wanna go home no matter what. But thousand times I told her that thing, thousand times I also told her that I wanna go home after I make my "wish list" come true.

And today, after soo many sleepless, stressful and thunder,

I won, I'm going home,

for a while,

because I know I still have another long long way to walk through.

(Thanks Allah, feel so blessed, Alhamdulillah)

Yogyakarta, 20 November 2017 

To Billa, Congraduation beib!

Dear, Billa.

I dunno what the best gift that I could give to you. Because I thought there isn't best gift that could represent how important you are in my life.

So here I write this letter. 

Wish you read it slowly, in your free time, with a cup of tea, then play your favorite song.

Dear Billa,

Let's throw back to 2015.

"Kak, kumpulnya dimana ya? Aku udah sampe di depan KR nih, tapi gak tau kalian yang mana"

"Oke, gue samperin yah. Anyway gak usah panggil kak. Kayaknya kita seumuran"

Did you remember that bil?

Itu pertama kali percakapan kita. Pas kumpul volunteer IOAA chapter Jogja yang pertama. 

Then, we went to Magelang. To our memorable resort, Puri Asri. Dan, saat itu agenda para volunteer lagi sibuk ngurus barang-barang student/ observer/ atau teamleadernya. Meanwhile, kita justru sibuk mengkotak-kotakan para volunteer yang dateng dari seluruh Indonesia. Which one is 'gebetan-able', which one is 'pacar-able' dan which one is 'suami-able'.

I know we such a dork girls (at that time). Percakapan dulu sangat tidak berfaedah, really. Tapi ya, apa yang kalian harepin dari pemikiran bocah 19 tahun yang sedang 'trapped in the middle of 'happiness' circle' ?lol.

Dan, I still remember the time when we finally forced to sleep in different room. Sempet maksain buat pindah kamar, kalau-kalau kita lupa buat profesional. Dan, untung kamar kita gak jauh-jauhan banget ya bil:') We passed those 2 weeks like a dream. Cepet banget.

But ya, the main point is not about those 2 weeks. Okay, I could deny that those 2 weeks still being my fav volunteer's memories so far. But more than that, I'm very blessed that IOAA give me so many (new) families that I could rely on, and one of them is you, bil.

I know 2015 to 2017 was so short. But hey, it's not always about time right? Sometimes, time doesn't matter. Sometimes, heart know best, which one would be the real definition of 'home'. 

And through our home, we've been through a lot of things in it. Both happiness and sadness. 

You know I'm such a cry baby girl. But I couldn't cry in front of peoples but you. Like, I still could believe I could cry in front of you bil.

-Making new friends is easy. But hold them still is hard-

"Pernah mikir gak sih Ai? Kenapa kita bisa tetep keep in touch sampe sekarang?"

"Kenapa bil?"

"Soalnya salah satu dari kita selalu ngiket. Even we just asked a simple question like, "Ai, apakabar? Lagi sibuk apa sekarang?". We know that sometimes, or for some peoples, especially for now day, those question is like super basa basi question. But however, justru pertanyaan basa basi itu yang bikin kita awet, sampe sekarang. Sampe salah satu dari kita ada yang ngechat,  "Lagi dimana? Makan bareng yuk!". Dan kita masih "nyempetin", dan we talk a lot of things, till now."

Inget bil? Itu percakapan terakhir kita pas makan bareng di Lotek Bu Bagyo. Atas janji aku ke kamu buat makan bareng setelah KKN. And we did it.

I know lately we look so grey and blue. We still laughed in super receh jokes outside, meanwhile we had our own hard time inside. 

But bil, all is well as long as we have each other, right??

Dear, Billa.

The one that I always call billa instead of dinnar.

Thank you for being the one that I could rely on.

Tau gak sih bil, kalo lagi sendu dan inget kamu, aku selalu inget lorong-lorong JIH. Kamu yang rela nemenin aku, nunggu dokter dari sore-larut malem. Have a deep talk, and cried together:')

And ya, memori itu selalu bikin aku buat gak berhenti bersyukur sama Allah punya kamu bil:')

Dear, Billa.

Thank you for being my eternal reminder, my sister, my deep talk partner, my volunteer partner, my lunch partner and my loyal supporter.

Let's keep in touch. I've promised to visit you in your home. So please, trust me. Whenever is it. Please, wait me:')

Dear, Billa.

Thank you for write my name in your thesis. You know it's an honoured:') Sadly, I even couldn't attend both your thesis defense or graduation ceremony. Bil, you know how much I proud of you right? As much as I'm sad to realize that I couldn't attend both of them.

Dear, Billa.

Today is your day.

The day when you finally arrived in one of 'hardest path' in your life.

Congratulations babe!!

You know that you more than awesome, that I proud of you so much, that I love you to the moon and back.

Dear, Billa.

Let's meet, let's talk, soon.

Dear, Billa.

Aku rindu

With love,

Ai.

Let's Be Human, as Human Being

       “May be, the reason why children who lose someone that means so much to them in their early ages, whether they are family or not, seem like growing up with different mental developments than those who don’t. And once they are old enough to understand things, they get this mixed emotion in their hearts. It’s only because they don’t get the chance to talk about how happy they are to fall in love for the first time, or that time they get good grades, or the one when they get their hearts broken. When things go bad or good, all of those moments they go through, they expect their loved ones to know and be there for them. Yet, they grow up with that failed expectation since their loved ones passed away.

          And, in the meantime, people come and go in their lives. They may seem okay but that doesn’t make things easier tho because you know what? They just get used to it since they were kids. But that doesn’t mean you can do fuck you wanna do and leave them as you please. You’ll break what has been broken a long time ago. You’ll break the pieces into smaller pieces. Like for example, one day you asked them to open up to you, and the next day, you acted like nothing happened. They opened up to you dammit. They trusted you. That something they don’t do often. But maybe that’s just them misinterpreting things. I dunno.

         Now, tell me. When was the last time you lost someone important to you? How old were you at the time? 12?20?24?Well, I believe it’ll STILL break your hearts, no matter how old you are when it happens. But can you imagine how would you feel if it happened to you when you were way younger than that? Now, go figure it out. And stop judging. Stop making fun of someone’s sensitivity. We are all sensitive in our own ways. And in the end, everything matters.”

         I pick this up from my friend, Ratri. She wrote and share it on her insta-story last month. And ya, I do agree with it, with her thought. I plan to write and post her thought since I read it. But ya, it’s never become my priority (at least) for last month. And now, here we are.

         Now day, there are more and more “those peoples” who try really hard to become “Judge”. They acted like they know everything, that they were the most right person in this earth, that they can do anything as they please and more than that, that they thought, they deserve to interfere someone else’s life.

Ya, we might see someone else’s life so “bright” outside, but we don’t know how many “dark” she have been through inside. Also, we might see someone else’s life is so messy, but we don’t know, are we can afford that messiness life and still alive if we are in her position.

Okay, what Ratri wrote probably is only one from million cases. But the conclusion from another million cases were same:

“Do not judge. You don’t know what storm I’ve asked her to walk through.”--God

I know probably some of you would say that this issue is nonsense, but ya, whether you thought that it's nonsanse or make a sense,

Come on,

Let’s be human as human being. Let’s spread love and stop hating, let’s stop judging and let’s stop making fun of someone’s sensitivity. Because we are all sensitive in our own ways.

Salam positive vibes!:)

Pukul 1 pagi. Kau Butuh Kopi Segelas Lagi

"Tidak ada yang bisa diajak berbincang. Dari jendela kau lihat bintang-bintang sudah lama tanggal. Lampu-lampu kota bagai kalimat selamat tinggal. Kau rasakan seseorang dikejauhan menggeliat dalam dirimu. Kau berdoa: semoga kesedihan memperlakukan matanya dengan baik"

Dia memilih berhenti dan melewati bagian 'prosa' ini. Merajuk pada sosok yang tidak seharusnya membaca potongan mesra Aan Mansyur. Biarkan sosok itu berlalu. Tenggelam bersama waktu. Lalu,

"Dirimu tidak pernah utuh. Sementara kesunyian adalah buah yang menolak untuk dikupas. Jika kau coba melepas kulitnya, hanya akan kau temukan kesunyian yang lebih besar."

Pukul 1 pagi. Kau butuh kopi segelas lagi.

Dear My Self

When I said "I need take a break," I never mean it that it would be more than a week.
I realized,
I never take a real break in my life after he gone.
I've told you it's drive me crazy, really.
And I dunno how to handle except do a lot of things without a long break.
Then,
when I got a long..long break like nowday,
I always tell to my self that I'm okay.
That I'm fine.
But why I still curled my body in the dark, played the sad song, then fight against my anxiety?
I'm not telling my self that I'm not getting better than 11 years ago,
but I don't want to deny that I'm not recover 100% yet.
I know,
I know it hurt my self.
I know it hurt my body.
It killing me a lot,
mentaly,
physicaly.
And it was exhausting, for sure.
But trust me,
I fight 'em for half of my life.
I'll try.
And I keep tryin'

Dear my self,
Would you still fight for your self no matter what?
You know everyone deserve to be happy,
So you do.

Denial

 

Denial. 

She hate denial.

But sometimes she did it.
She did it to protect herself. 

Bcs it's the only way to survive.
She love being loved, but she afraid to fallin' in love.
She hate losing someone who she loved.

Bcs she is dumb in controlling pain.

Unspoken

 

"Because I think, I couldn't say this Mei, or I would cry in front of you. And I won't, so here we are..."

"Ai, udah dikampus?"
"Ai, udah ngerjain tugas ini?"
"Ai, udah belajar buat UAS?"
"Ai, habis ini mau sarapan dulu kan?Soto Rembang apa foodcourt?"
"Ai, balik kos apa nunggu dikampus?"
"Ai, sholat dulu yuk."
"Ai, keperpus gak?"
"Ai, ke Ignatius yuk"
"Ai, ntar malem jadi ke JCO?"
"Ai, sibuk gk?Temenin kesini"
"Ai, besok pas aku lomba dateng ya, di Gembira Loka"
"Ai, ke gramed yuk?"
"Ai, udah beli buku ini? Nyari di social agency yuk"
"Ai, jadi mau beli batik buat eyang? Ke malioboro aja ya"
"Ai nyetak foto sekalian di ortindo?"
"Ai, habis ini ke toko merah ya!"
"Ai, ke cafe ini yuk?"
"Ai, aku badmood, temenin belanja"
"Ai, besok bareng aja aku jemput dikos ya"
"Ai, anterin ke Prambanan"
"Ai, ayo liburan ke Dieng!"
"Ai, jadi nge jeep ke Merapi kan?"
"Ai, ikut ke banyuwangi?"
"Ai, ke Semarang aja po?"
"Ai, jadi ke hotel gak?"
"Ai, mau keluar sama anak-anak apa dikamar aja?"
"Ai, PPL sama aku ya. Di SMA Depok gimana?"
"Ai, kita dipindah di SMA Bantul."
"Ai, udah bikin RPP? Media kamu apa?"
"Ai, mau maju micro minggu ini apa minggu depan?"
"Ai, besok observasi yuk."
"Ai, kita cari kos kapan?"
"Ai, aku udah sholat istikharah, lamarannya aku terima." :')
.....
Dan, yang terakhir bikin saya speechless setengah mati. Really:')

I know her since Maba. She is the one who always stand by my side on my up and down univ lyfe. When peoples see my laugh, she is the one who saw my cried. When peoples see my bright, she is the one who saw my dark. When peoples see my victory, she is the one who saw my struggle. I'm not share my biggest fear and anxiety to everyone. But she is one of few people who really know how I really am.
She is not psycholog, nor the one who I know for so long. But she know how to handle my fear. She just listen all in my heart.

Dear Meime,
Listen to me,
I dunno what will happen to us after this.
We already done our class and you already getting married. We probably rarely meet. Our time is getting limit. So let me say this thing to you.

Dear Meime,
Thank you for being my eternal supporter Meii,
Thank you for always listen all my fear, my anxiety, my dark and even my cried.
I know you probably bored or tired to hear all those rubbish things. But yeah, you still beside me no matter what.

Dear Meime,
You know I'm weak.
You know I'm such a cry baby.
And you know I need you, for sure.
So please don't go too far, I beg you.
Let me comes to you whenever I need you.
You will still stand by side, right?
Dear Meime,
Will you?

Meii,
I know, I know that it was not an easy decision for you. I know, getting married in 21 y.o is not a small thing. Even I know, it's more and more -not an easy thing to do-  when your Ummi gone before D-Day. But Allah never give a problem more than human can do, right? And I do believe, you are tough more than anyone knows.

Dear Meime,
Happy wedding ya Me:')
Wish you be a happiest bride, happy wife and have a good life with your hubby :')

Dear Meime,
:"""""""")

Meii,
I'm happy for you, really.
As happy as your Ummi too :')

Meii,
:""""")

With Love,
Your teman makan ice cream jagung.