Pulang

Ini bukan lagi tentang kepulangan,

Tapi tentang rindu yang berusaha ditahan demi sebuah perjuangan

I told my self to didn't 'run' to this railway station before everything done. Before I get what I want. Before I achieve what I trying and praying for.

Those past 5 months were not "easy" period. Sometimes I cried in my room and called my Mama then told her that I wanna go home no matter what. But thousand times I told her that thing, thousand times I also told her that I wanna go home after I make my "wish list" come true.

And today, after soo many sleepless, stressful and thunder,

I won, I'm going home,

for a while,

because I know I still have another long long way to walk through.

(Thanks Allah, feel so blessed, Alhamdulillah)

Yogyakarta, 20 November 2017 

To Billa, Congraduation beib!

Dear, Billa.

I dunno what the best gift that I could give to you. Because I thought there isn't best gift that could represent how important you are in my life.

So here I write this letter. 

Wish you read it slowly, in your free time, with a cup of tea, then play your favorite song.

Dear Billa,

Let's throw back to 2015.

"Kak, kumpulnya dimana ya? Aku udah sampe di depan KR nih, tapi gak tau kalian yang mana"

"Oke, gue samperin yah. Anyway gak usah panggil kak. Kayaknya kita seumuran"

Did you remember that bil?

Itu pertama kali percakapan kita. Pas kumpul volunteer IOAA chapter Jogja yang pertama. 

Then, we went to Magelang. To our memorable resort, Puri Asri. Dan, saat itu agenda para volunteer lagi sibuk ngurus barang-barang student/ observer/ atau teamleadernya. Meanwhile, kita justru sibuk mengkotak-kotakan para volunteer yang dateng dari seluruh Indonesia. Which one is 'gebetan-able', which one is 'pacar-able' dan which one is 'suami-able'.

I know we such a dork girls (at that time). Percakapan dulu sangat tidak berfaedah, really. Tapi ya, apa yang kalian harepin dari pemikiran bocah 19 tahun yang sedang 'trapped in the middle of 'happiness' circle' ?lol.

Dan, I still remember the time when we finally forced to sleep in different room. Sempet maksain buat pindah kamar, kalau-kalau kita lupa buat profesional. Dan, untung kamar kita gak jauh-jauhan banget ya bil:') We passed those 2 weeks like a dream. Cepet banget.

But ya, the main point is not about those 2 weeks. Okay, I could deny that those 2 weeks still being my fav volunteer's memories so far. But more than that, I'm very blessed that IOAA give me so many (new) families that I could rely on, and one of them is you, bil.

I know 2015 to 2017 was so short. But hey, it's not always about time right? Sometimes, time doesn't matter. Sometimes, heart know best, which one would be the real definition of 'home'. 

And through our home, we've been through a lot of things in it. Both happiness and sadness. 

You know I'm such a cry baby girl. But I couldn't cry in front of peoples but you. Like, I still could believe I could cry in front of you bil.

-Making new friends is easy. But hold them still is hard-

"Pernah mikir gak sih Ai? Kenapa kita bisa tetep keep in touch sampe sekarang?"

"Kenapa bil?"

"Soalnya salah satu dari kita selalu ngiket. Even we just asked a simple question like, "Ai, apakabar? Lagi sibuk apa sekarang?". We know that sometimes, or for some peoples, especially for now day, those question is like super basa basi question. But however, justru pertanyaan basa basi itu yang bikin kita awet, sampe sekarang. Sampe salah satu dari kita ada yang ngechat,  "Lagi dimana? Makan bareng yuk!". Dan kita masih "nyempetin", dan we talk a lot of things, till now."

Inget bil? Itu percakapan terakhir kita pas makan bareng di Lotek Bu Bagyo. Atas janji aku ke kamu buat makan bareng setelah KKN. And we did it.

I know lately we look so grey and blue. We still laughed in super receh jokes outside, meanwhile we had our own hard time inside. 

But bil, all is well as long as we have each other, right??

Dear, Billa.

The one that I always call billa instead of dinnar.

Thank you for being the one that I could rely on.

Tau gak sih bil, kalo lagi sendu dan inget kamu, aku selalu inget lorong-lorong JIH. Kamu yang rela nemenin aku, nunggu dokter dari sore-larut malem. Have a deep talk, and cried together:')

And ya, memori itu selalu bikin aku buat gak berhenti bersyukur sama Allah punya kamu bil:')

Dear, Billa.

Thank you for being my eternal reminder, my sister, my deep talk partner, my volunteer partner, my lunch partner and my loyal supporter.

Let's keep in touch. I've promised to visit you in your home. So please, trust me. Whenever is it. Please, wait me:')

Dear, Billa.

Thank you for write my name in your thesis. You know it's an honoured:') Sadly, I even couldn't attend both your thesis defense or graduation ceremony. Bil, you know how much I proud of you right? As much as I'm sad to realize that I couldn't attend both of them.

Dear, Billa.

Today is your day.

The day when you finally arrived in one of 'hardest path' in your life.

Congratulations babe!!

You know that you more than awesome, that I proud of you so much, that I love you to the moon and back.

Dear, Billa.

Let's meet, let's talk, soon.

Dear, Billa.

Aku rindu

With love,

Ai.

Let's Be Human, as Human Being

       “May be, the reason why children who lose someone that means so much to them in their early ages, whether they are family or not, seem like growing up with different mental developments than those who don’t. And once they are old enough to understand things, they get this mixed emotion in their hearts. It’s only because they don’t get the chance to talk about how happy they are to fall in love for the first time, or that time they get good grades, or the one when they get their hearts broken. When things go bad or good, all of those moments they go through, they expect their loved ones to know and be there for them. Yet, they grow up with that failed expectation since their loved ones passed away.

          And, in the meantime, people come and go in their lives. They may seem okay but that doesn’t make things easier tho because you know what? They just get used to it since they were kids. But that doesn’t mean you can do fuck you wanna do and leave them as you please. You’ll break what has been broken a long time ago. You’ll break the pieces into smaller pieces. Like for example, one day you asked them to open up to you, and the next day, you acted like nothing happened. They opened up to you dammit. They trusted you. That something they don’t do often. But maybe that’s just them misinterpreting things. I dunno.

         Now, tell me. When was the last time you lost someone important to you? How old were you at the time? 12?20?24?Well, I believe it’ll STILL break your hearts, no matter how old you are when it happens. But can you imagine how would you feel if it happened to you when you were way younger than that? Now, go figure it out. And stop judging. Stop making fun of someone’s sensitivity. We are all sensitive in our own ways. And in the end, everything matters.”

         I pick this up from my friend, Ratri. She wrote and share it on her insta-story last month. And ya, I do agree with it, with her thought. I plan to write and post her thought since I read it. But ya, it’s never become my priority (at least) for last month. And now, here we are.

         Now day, there are more and more “those peoples” who try really hard to become “Judge”. They acted like they know everything, that they were the most right person in this earth, that they can do anything as they please and more than that, that they thought, they deserve to interfere someone else’s life.

Ya, we might see someone else’s life so “bright” outside, but we don’t know how many “dark” she have been through inside. Also, we might see someone else’s life is so messy, but we don’t know, are we can afford that messiness life and still alive if we are in her position.

Okay, what Ratri wrote probably is only one from million cases. But the conclusion from another million cases were same:

“Do not judge. You don’t know what storm I’ve asked her to walk through.”--God

I know probably some of you would say that this issue is nonsense, but ya, whether you thought that it's nonsanse or make a sense,

Come on,

Let’s be human as human being. Let’s spread love and stop hating, let’s stop judging and let’s stop making fun of someone’s sensitivity. Because we are all sensitive in our own ways.

Salam positive vibes!:)

Pukul 1 pagi. Kau Butuh Kopi Segelas Lagi

"Tidak ada yang bisa diajak berbincang. Dari jendela kau lihat bintang-bintang sudah lama tanggal. Lampu-lampu kota bagai kalimat selamat tinggal. Kau rasakan seseorang dikejauhan menggeliat dalam dirimu. Kau berdoa: semoga kesedihan memperlakukan matanya dengan baik"

Dia memilih berhenti dan melewati bagian 'prosa' ini. Merajuk pada sosok yang tidak seharusnya membaca potongan mesra Aan Mansyur. Biarkan sosok itu berlalu. Tenggelam bersama waktu. Lalu,

"Dirimu tidak pernah utuh. Sementara kesunyian adalah buah yang menolak untuk dikupas. Jika kau coba melepas kulitnya, hanya akan kau temukan kesunyian yang lebih besar."

Pukul 1 pagi. Kau butuh kopi segelas lagi.

Dear My Self

When I said "I need take a break," I never mean it that it would be more than a week.
I realized,
I never take a real break in my life after he gone.
I've told you it's drive me crazy, really.
And I dunno how to handle except do a lot of things without a long break.
Then,
when I got a long..long break like nowday,
I always tell to my self that I'm okay.
That I'm fine.
But why I still curled my body in the dark, played the sad song, then fight against my anxiety?
I'm not telling my self that I'm not getting better than 11 years ago,
but I don't want to deny that I'm not recover 100% yet.
I know,
I know it hurt my self.
I know it hurt my body.
It killing me a lot,
mentaly,
physicaly.
And it was exhausting, for sure.
But trust me,
I fight 'em for half of my life.
I'll try.
And I keep tryin'

Dear my self,
Would you still fight for your self no matter what?
You know everyone deserve to be happy,
So you do.

Denial

 

Denial. 

She hate denial.

But sometimes she did it.
She did it to protect herself. 

Bcs it's the only way to survive.
She love being loved, but she afraid to fallin' in love.
She hate losing someone who she loved.

Bcs she is dumb in controlling pain.

Unspoken

 

"Because I think, I couldn't say this Mei, or I would cry in front of you. And I won't, so here we are..."

"Ai, udah dikampus?"
"Ai, udah ngerjain tugas ini?"
"Ai, udah belajar buat UAS?"
"Ai, habis ini mau sarapan dulu kan?Soto Rembang apa foodcourt?"
"Ai, balik kos apa nunggu dikampus?"
"Ai, sholat dulu yuk."
"Ai, keperpus gak?"
"Ai, ke Ignatius yuk"
"Ai, ntar malem jadi ke JCO?"
"Ai, sibuk gk?Temenin kesini"
"Ai, besok pas aku lomba dateng ya, di Gembira Loka"
"Ai, ke gramed yuk?"
"Ai, udah beli buku ini? Nyari di social agency yuk"
"Ai, jadi mau beli batik buat eyang? Ke malioboro aja ya"
"Ai nyetak foto sekalian di ortindo?"
"Ai, habis ini ke toko merah ya!"
"Ai, ke cafe ini yuk?"
"Ai, aku badmood, temenin belanja"
"Ai, besok bareng aja aku jemput dikos ya"
"Ai, anterin ke Prambanan"
"Ai, ayo liburan ke Dieng!"
"Ai, jadi nge jeep ke Merapi kan?"
"Ai, ikut ke banyuwangi?"
"Ai, ke Semarang aja po?"
"Ai, jadi ke hotel gak?"
"Ai, mau keluar sama anak-anak apa dikamar aja?"
"Ai, PPL sama aku ya. Di SMA Depok gimana?"
"Ai, kita dipindah di SMA Bantul."
"Ai, udah bikin RPP? Media kamu apa?"
"Ai, mau maju micro minggu ini apa minggu depan?"
"Ai, besok observasi yuk."
"Ai, kita cari kos kapan?"
"Ai, aku udah sholat istikharah, lamarannya aku terima." :')
.....
Dan, yang terakhir bikin saya speechless setengah mati. Really:')

I know her since Maba. She is the one who always stand by my side on my up and down univ lyfe. When peoples see my laugh, she is the one who saw my cried. When peoples see my bright, she is the one who saw my dark. When peoples see my victory, she is the one who saw my struggle. I'm not share my biggest fear and anxiety to everyone. But she is one of few people who really know how I really am.
She is not psycholog, nor the one who I know for so long. But she know how to handle my fear. She just listen all in my heart.

Dear Meime,
Listen to me,
I dunno what will happen to us after this.
We already done our class and you already getting married. We probably rarely meet. Our time is getting limit. So let me say this thing to you.

Dear Meime,
Thank you for being my eternal supporter Meii,
Thank you for always listen all my fear, my anxiety, my dark and even my cried.
I know you probably bored or tired to hear all those rubbish things. But yeah, you still beside me no matter what.

Dear Meime,
You know I'm weak.
You know I'm such a cry baby.
And you know I need you, for sure.
So please don't go too far, I beg you.
Let me comes to you whenever I need you.
You will still stand by side, right?
Dear Meime,
Will you?

Meii,
I know, I know that it was not an easy decision for you. I know, getting married in 21 y.o is not a small thing. Even I know, it's more and more -not an easy thing to do-  when your Ummi gone before D-Day. But Allah never give a problem more than human can do, right? And I do believe, you are tough more than anyone knows.

Dear Meime,
Happy wedding ya Me:')
Wish you be a happiest bride, happy wife and have a good life with your hubby :')

Dear Meime,
:"""""""")

Meii,
I'm happy for you, really.
As happy as your Ummi too :')

Meii,
:""""")

With Love,
Your teman makan ice cream jagung.

A Letter: Life, Pain, Hope, Forgiveness and Us

“Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.”
— Oprah Winfrey

Dear Mb Putri,

You might realized I'm no longer "your-childhood's-best-friend-used-to-be" after that day. After those death announcement sounded all around our "playground" in 2005. You told me you cried after you heard it. I told you I'm okay after all. But the fact was, I'm dead. 

I don't remember all the detailed of my life after the funeral. I just found my future was end, but my "new" life just begun. The worst begun.
I don't have any good memories after all. What I could saw just black, and black.
I hate going to school. For 1 year I often skipped class, went to hospital, sleep on my bed, wonder that it was just a dream, but I woke up the next day, and everything just the same: a girl without Dad, a girl without hope, a girl without a happy life.
I don't even remember are we still playing around together everyday at 2005-2007?
Am I still being your "childhood's best friend" as usual? A normal me? As normal as before my Dad gone?

Dear Mb Putri, 

You know, those years we're the worst years in my life. I just could believe that everything just changes 180 degree without permission. I'm just around 8 or 9 years old back then, and you know that. I'm just a little girl who didn't know everything. I dunno why my Dad didn't work anymore, why my Dad getting pale day by day, why my Dad didn't recovery soon and even, what kind of my Dad's disease? Then I remember one day, a day when I was so tired to saw him went to Hospital every week with Taxi. Then I told my Dad with anger why he sell our car, I told him that everything would be easier if he didn't sell it. And he just asked me to shut up. I was about to cry. Didn't expect that he would be like that. Then the next month he gone. And I regret to said that kind of word on him. On his difficult time. If you asked me what am I remember from those years, I just remember about cried, skipped class, pain and medicine. 

I hate going to school. I hate to realized that I'm no longer a normal student. You know that, in back then, being 'a girl without Dad' in our extraordinary school was rare. I hate get any pitiful sight, sympathy feel or empathy act. I hate being attention, a worst attention. But I couldn't tell anyone. Even I couldn't tell to you. I just end up cried by my self.
More than that, I hate my new life. My new life without Dad. I used to hate being struggler. I hate started from the new beginning, from the lower ground. I really want to tell you that I was so sad, that I hurt, that I really really shame with my life without my Dad. At that time, I thought that my family without him just nothing. The fact that I couldn't buy anything easily anymore, I used to hate that. But I know I couldn't tell anyone, you, my sisters or even my Mom.

Dear Mb Putri, at that time you know it, that I didn't have Dad anymore. That my life changes. That I'm no longer the old me. But, you still beside me, no matter what happened, no matter what I ride.

Then, we started our junior high school life. Our adventure begun. Your unwanted school, your illness, your new little brother, your transferred school, your new life. So do I. My desperate of school, my Mama's surgery, my another black life, my another struggle.
And, you (still) beside me, so do I (still) beside you. We shared each other pain.

Senior High School life begun. I moved. You still. Did you know? At that time I runned away. I used to hate this small town. No I mean I used to hate all those pain in this town. So I decided to moved. I thought it would be a new day. A new friends, new story, a new hope. But the fact was, I keep struggling in the beginning. It was not an easy way at all. But at least, I found a new hope. My life get a little better and better. Better than before. And you still beside me. No matter what happen. In my pain, in my happy time.

Until, in the late of 2013. The hardest storm hit you. I know you are in a deep pain. But I couldn't say anything, and I won't. I used to be your position. And I know there's nothing to help with word. Back then, I just need your existence. So I thought you would be like that. You know Mbak? I wrote a letter to you on that day. A letter that I never send to you. You can read it in here. http://ainisyarifah96.blogspot.co.id/2016/08/im-not-ok-you-are-not-ok-and-that-is-ok.html
Just like I wrote in the last line.
"Everything gonna be okay. I'm here, I'm with you" :')

And look. It already 2017 Mbak, and our pain were healed one by one:') Slowly, but sure, we could stand with our own feet. Without burden, without hate. Slowly, but sure, struggle become our bestfriend in our life. We cried for it, but we thanks to 'em. We know, that without struggle, we couldn't be a strong girl. We couldn't be what we are today.

Dear Mb Putri,
I'm strong because of struggle.
But I couldn't passed those struggle without you.
I never wonder how my life without you. How my life if God didn't give a life for you in 5 June in 22 years ago.

Dear Mb Putri,
Happy birthday Mbak, Happy belated 22 birthday:)
Nothing, nothing that I wish except your happiness.

Dear Mb Putri.
My sister, my best, my everything. 

Our another struggle might come.

Let's pass it together.
Let's getting older together.
Let's celebrate our 30 years old, 40 years old, 50 years old, 60 years old, 70 or 80..something years old together.
Trust me, I would never be boring with that.
So please, stay healthy.
Stay stand by my side.
No matter what happen.

Dear Mb Putri.
Let's build our bright future together.
Till the end. Till I'm dead. Till we meet again in Jannah :')

Love you as always.
As you know how much I love you.
Your bestie since born.

Hurt

Sometimes, your friends going hurt you so bad.
They were act that they know everything.
About you, about your life, even about your past.
Then they make a joke of your past, without knowing what really happen.
Then you just keep silent, but they were said, "are you mad just because of this?"

Sometimes, your close friends going hurt you so bad.
She already know about you, about your life, even about your past.
But, she make a joke of your past in front of your friends, act that she didn't know what have been happened, so she laughs so hard with your friends.
Meanwhile, you just keep silent, but she said, "are you mad just because of this?"

Sometimes, jokes really hurt you so bad.
It never be funny at all.

To One Of My Human Diary: Happy Birthday!

"friendship is so weird. You just pick a human you've met and you're like, 'Yep, I like this one,' and you just do stuff with them." -Bill Murray

Dear my human diary Ipok,
Are you wait my kind of "happy birthday ipok" stuff ?
Okay, sorry for didn't say anything or uploud this picture on 00.15 am like you did on my birthday last time. You know I always have a lot of things to do like I did today (even I dunno what exactly I've done, lol)
So let me tell you something, listen.

First, thank you for being -the-one-and-only-person-who-stay-in-the-class- when I said "I need the one who help me to make a song for Siso":') Bill Murray ever said, "friendship is so weird. You just pick a human you've met and you're like, 'Yep, I like this one,' and you just do stuff with them." Did you realize pok? After that, I trust you to be one of my bestfriends and we start to do a lot of things together!-okay thanks to siso cup smaga- :D

Second, thank you for being -the-one-who-always-said- "Ya, let's do it. Why not?" when I asked "let's apply freelance job, let's try to open online shop, let's apply this conference, let's travel to this place, let's hang out to this cafe, let's hunting picture tomorrow, let's cover this song or even -the-most-super-silly-things- like, let's do a snapgram! A crazy one?" -Oh gosh, could you pick one of our best memories? Which one? Which place? Ponorogo, Madiun, Bali, Surabaya, Yogyakarta, Banyuwangi?

Third, thank you for understand all the things happened in my life. Thank you for always listening my random talk even mostly I disturb your midnight just for listen my (so many) rubbish stories. Ah, because pillow talk is the best pok:') Wish we could do "a real" pillow talk soon. Before June end, shall we?

And the last, thank you for always being the one who understand when I'm not okay. I know you always waiting me untill I tell you what exactly happened even you wanna hear those story as soon as you know that I'm not okay.

Dear my human diary Ipok,
You know life is not easy, right?
As not easy as my 21 y.o's life that I already told you some days ago.
So please, stand by my side.

Dear my human diary Ipok,
Is it your beginning of 21 y.o's life?
Welcome to the jungle baby!<3
Ah, how the time gone so fast:')
Do you remember our random conversation some month ago? About how we meet with our first impression to each other?

Dear my human diary Ipok,
Talk about 5 years ago would be so funny. About our senior high school's life, about our friendship, about our struggle of final test, or even about our first and our -one-and-only-boyfriend-:D (can't believe we even have same story about our ex)

But dear my human diary Ipok,
How about our next 5 years?
What we gonna talk?
About our post graduate's life? Our job? Our fiance? or even our marriage's life??
Let's see and let me be your human diary, Pok:')

Dear my human diary Ipok,
Happy 21 years old!
Look! Now I'm officially congratulate you!:D
Nothing that I wish except your happiness. (Yeah I know it's too classic to say, but then, what should I say?)
Okay. So please say everything that you want, then I'll ask to Allah to make it true.How?

With love,

Your human diary,

Aini.

Mencintai Bapak dan Bahagia Sepenuhnya

"Mencintai Bapak, menghormatinya jadi keperluan hidup kami, itulah bahagia kami yang terutama. Bila hilang rasa Cinta itu, akan gelap sajalah hidup kami. Dari tangannyalah kami hendak menerima bahagia itu, bila tidak bagi kami bukanlah bahagia namanya. Bila tiada merasa cintanya lagi, selama-lamanya kami tiada akan merasa bahagia sepenuhnya"

--Potongan Surat Kartini kepada Nyonya Cvink Soer pada Agustus 1900—

Potongan surat Kartini diatas mampu memaksa saya untuk membuka kotak memori dua tahun yang lalu. Pada akhirnya, tulisan Kartini mampu menuntun saya pula untuk kembali menulis. Namun, sebenar-benarnya, saya tidak seperti Kartini yang kala itu sedang bergolak dengan batinnya akibat sebuah dilema diantara harus memilih cita-cita atau sang Bapak. Pun justru sebenar-benarnya, saya hanyalah sesosok gadis yang nyaris kehilangan cita-citanya akibat kepergian sang Bapak. Untungnya, saya masih memiliki kesamaan dengan Raden Ajeng Kartini. Sama-sama mencintai Bapak. Ya, itu yang sama. Ketika tulisan selanjutnya saya mulai, sebutan Bapak akan saya ubah menjadi Papa. Selayaknya saya memanggil beliau dulu kala. Supaya saya bisa merasakan kehadiran beliau secara lebih dekat...

*****

Potongan foto-foto diatas diambil ditahun 2015. Foto yang bagian kanan, diambil ketika saya sedang memutarkan video memori tentang Papa disesi kejutan untuk kakak saya. Sisanya, di foto sebelah kiri, ada saya bersama nenek dan keluarga saya yang sedang menangis haru ketika Om saya mengambil alih posisi Papa dalam mengucapkan ijab kabul. Sejujurnya, saya sudah menyiapkan mental baja jauh-jauh hari sebelum pernikahan ini terjadi. Mungkin bisa dibilang saya sudah mempersiapkannya sejak tanggal pernikahan tersebut ditetapkan. Sayangnya, sekuat apapun mental saya, tetap saja kalimat "selama-lamanya kami tiada akan merasa bahagia sepenuhnya" cukup menjelaskan alasan saya gagal dalam misi ini.

----Sebelumnya, sebelum saya menulis lebih lanjut, alangkah lebih baiknya apabila siapapun yang sedang membaca paragraf ini terlebih dahulu membaca postingan saya disini "People Changes, Memories Don't" lalu dilanjutkan disini "Dear My Never Ending Love" .Hal inipun bertujuan agar siapapun yang membaca postingan ini dapat lebih mengerti jalan ceritanya.-----

Satu hari sebelum akad nikah dilakukan, saudara-saudara saya tidak bosan-bosan mengulang nasehatnya. "Ingat ya dek, besok pas akadnya mbak Ocha gak boleh nangis. Ditahan ya, sampe acaranya selesai" Sungguh sebelum mereka mengingatkan pun saya sudah mengerti. Namun memang nampaknya mereka takut kalau-kalau saya hilang kendali lagi. Singkat cerita, ketika malam lamaran, Om saya (yang menjadi wali nikah kakak saya) juga datang. Beliau menjadi wali dari keluarga kami saat itu. Saya, yang semenjak meninggalnya Papa tidak pernah bertemu beliau menjadi delusi setengah mati. Untuk pertama kalinya dalam kurun waktu 10 tahun, saya bertemu lagi dengan adik Papa saya yang wajah dan perawakannya nyaris mirip dengan Papa 90%. Sungguh, setengah mati saya menahan delusi sampai acara usai. Selesai acara, saya tak sanggup lagi, saya peluk erat beliau setengah mati. Menangis sejadi-jadinya. Melebur bersama memori yang sudah diaduk-aduk dengan delusi, hingga pada akhirnya saya harus berakhir ditidurkan di ranjang sampai pagi. Kala itu, seluruh keluarga besar saya terpaksa menangis bersama. Atas dasar hal ini, mereka kembali mewanti-wanti agar hal yang sama tidak akan terjadi.

Sayangnya, nasehat keluarga saya dan perjuangan saya sia-sia. Tepat ketika lagu "One Thousand Years" diputar dan saya harus mengantarkan kakak saya pada meja akad, air mata saya sudah menetes. Berulang kali saya tahan, berulang kali juga saya gagal. Ketika Om saya sudah memulai kalimat akadnya, saya kembali menangis. Saya bisa merasakan betul suaranya bergetar. Sementara itu, dihadapannya, dibalik kursi kakak saya, saya sedang berjuang mati-matian membunuh delusi yang sudah mulai meranggas dengan ganas. Semakin saya tatap Om saya, semakin saya lihat sosok Papa dimata beliau. Semakin saya mendekat semakin kuat rasa sakit yang saya rasa. Kala itu, sudah 10 tahun berlalu. Di hari yang seharusnya bahagia, masih saja saya tak bisa membendung air mata. Sungguh, memang benar pula kata Kartini.

Alangkah ajaibnya rasa Kasih sayang, dapat jadi sorga, dapat pula jadi neraka. Mencintai Bapak, menghormatinya jadi keperluan hidup kami, itulah bahagia kami yang terutama. Bila hilang rasa Cinta itu, akan gelap sajalah hidup kami. Dari tangannyalah kami hendak menerima bahagia itu, bila tidak bagi kami bukanlah bahagia namanya. Bila tiada merasa cintanya lagi, selama-lamanya kami tiada akan merasa bahagia sepenuhnya, dan bila ada juga merasa cintanya maka kemalangan kami pun tidak akan pernah terasa segenapnya.

Teruntuk lelaki pertama dihidupku.

Kali ini aku menulis tentangmu, lagi.

Bagaimana kabarmu, Pah?

Aku merindukanmu.

Setengah mati.

Lagi.

Dan lagi.

Bagaimana ini?