Hurt

Sometimes, your friends going hurt you so bad.
They were act that they know everything.
About you, about your life, even about your past.
Then they make a joke of your past, without knowing what really happen.
Then you just keep silent, but they were said, "are you mad just because of this?"

Sometimes, your close friends going hurt you so bad.
She already know about you, about your life, even about your past.
But, she make a joke of your past in front of your friends, act that she didn't know what have been happened, so she laughs so hard with your friends.
Meanwhile, you just keep silent, but she said, "are you mad just because of this?"

Sometimes, jokes really hurt you so bad.
It never be funny at all.

To One Of My Human Diary: Happy Birthday!

"friendship is so weird. You just pick a human you've met and you're like, 'Yep, I like this one,' and you just do stuff with them." -Bill Murray

Dear my human diary Ipok,
Are you wait my kind of "happy birthday ipok" stuff ?
Okay, sorry for didn't say anything or uploud this picture on 00.15 am like you did on my birthday last time. You know I always have a lot of things to do like I did today (even I dunno what exactly I've done, lol)
So let me tell you something, listen.

First, thank you for being -the-one-and-only-person-who-stay-in-the-class- when I said "I need the one who help me to make a song for Siso":') Bill Murray ever said, "friendship is so weird. You just pick a human you've met and you're like, 'Yep, I like this one,' and you just do stuff with them." Did you realize pok? After that, I trust you to be one of my bestfriends and we start to do a lot of things together!-okay thanks to siso cup smaga- :D

Second, thank you for being -the-one-who-always-said- "Ya, let's do it. Why not?" when I asked "let's apply freelance job, let's try to open online shop, let's apply this conference, let's travel to this place, let's hang out to this cafe, let's hunting picture tomorrow, let's cover this song or even -the-most-super-silly-things- like, let's do a snapgram! A crazy one?" -Oh gosh, could you pick one of our best memories? Which one? Which place? Ponorogo, Madiun, Bali, Surabaya, Yogyakarta, Banyuwangi?

Third, thank you for understand all the things happened in my life. Thank you for always listening my random talk even mostly I disturb your midnight just for listen my (so many) rubbish stories. Ah, because pillow talk is the best pok:') Wish we could do "a real" pillow talk soon. Before June end, shall we?

And the last, thank you for always being the one who understand when I'm not okay. I know you always waiting me untill I tell you what exactly happened even you wanna hear those story as soon as you know that I'm not okay.

Dear my human diary Ipok,
You know life is not easy, right?
As not easy as my 21 y.o's life that I already told you some days ago.
So please, stand by my side.

Dear my human diary Ipok,
Is it your beginning of 21 y.o's life?
Welcome to the jungle baby!<3
Ah, how the time gone so fast:')
Do you remember our random conversation some month ago? About how we meet with our first impression to each other?

Dear my human diary Ipok,
Talk about 5 years ago would be so funny. About our senior high school's life, about our friendship, about our struggle of final test, or even about our first and our -one-and-only-boyfriend-:D (can't believe we even have same story about our ex)

But dear my human diary Ipok,
How about our next 5 years?
What we gonna talk?
About our post graduate's life? Our job? Our fiance? or even our marriage's life??
Let's see and let me be your human diary, Pok:')

Dear my human diary Ipok,
Happy 21 years old!
Look! Now I'm officially congratulate you!:D
Nothing that I wish except your happiness. (Yeah I know it's too classic to say, but then, what should I say?)
Okay. So please say everything that you want, then I'll ask to Allah to make it true.How?

With love,

Your human diary,

Aini.

Mencintai Bapak dan Bahagia Sepenuhnya

"Mencintai Bapak, menghormatinya jadi keperluan hidup kami, itulah bahagia kami yang terutama. Bila hilang rasa Cinta itu, akan gelap sajalah hidup kami. Dari tangannyalah kami hendak menerima bahagia itu, bila tidak bagi kami bukanlah bahagia namanya. Bila tiada merasa cintanya lagi, selama-lamanya kami tiada akan merasa bahagia sepenuhnya"

--Potongan Surat Kartini kepada Nyonya Cvink Soer pada Agustus 1900—

Potongan surat Kartini diatas mampu memaksa saya untuk membuka kotak memori dua tahun yang lalu. Pada akhirnya, tulisan Kartini mampu menuntun saya pula untuk kembali menulis. Namun, sebenar-benarnya, saya tidak seperti Kartini yang kala itu sedang bergolak dengan batinnya akibat sebuah dilema diantara harus memilih cita-cita atau sang Bapak. Pun justru sebenar-benarnya, saya hanyalah sesosok gadis yang nyaris kehilangan cita-citanya akibat kepergian sang Bapak. Untungnya, saya masih memiliki kesamaan dengan Raden Ajeng Kartini. Sama-sama mencintai Bapak. Ya, itu yang sama. Ketika tulisan selanjutnya saya mulai, sebutan Bapak akan saya ubah menjadi Papa. Selayaknya saya memanggil beliau dulu kala. Supaya saya bisa merasakan kehadiran beliau secara lebih dekat...

*****

Potongan foto-foto diatas diambil ditahun 2015. Foto yang bagian kanan, diambil ketika saya sedang memutarkan video memori tentang Papa disesi kejutan untuk kakak saya. Sisanya, di foto sebelah kiri, ada saya bersama nenek dan keluarga saya yang sedang menangis haru ketika Om saya mengambil alih posisi Papa dalam mengucapkan ijab kabul. Sejujurnya, saya sudah menyiapkan mental baja jauh-jauh hari sebelum pernikahan ini terjadi. Mungkin bisa dibilang saya sudah mempersiapkannya sejak tanggal pernikahan tersebut ditetapkan. Sayangnya, sekuat apapun mental saya, tetap saja kalimat "selama-lamanya kami tiada akan merasa bahagia sepenuhnya" cukup menjelaskan alasan saya gagal dalam misi ini.

----Sebelumnya, sebelum saya menulis lebih lanjut, alangkah lebih baiknya apabila siapapun yang sedang membaca paragraf ini terlebih dahulu membaca postingan saya disini "People Changes, Memories Don't" lalu dilanjutkan disini "Dear My Never Ending Love" .Hal inipun bertujuan agar siapapun yang membaca postingan ini dapat lebih mengerti jalan ceritanya.-----

Satu hari sebelum akad nikah dilakukan, saudara-saudara saya tidak bosan-bosan mengulang nasehatnya. "Ingat ya dek, besok pas akadnya mbak Ocha gak boleh nangis. Ditahan ya, sampe acaranya selesai" Sungguh sebelum mereka mengingatkan pun saya sudah mengerti. Namun memang nampaknya mereka takut kalau-kalau saya hilang kendali lagi. Singkat cerita, ketika malam lamaran, Om saya (yang menjadi wali nikah kakak saya) juga datang. Beliau menjadi wali dari keluarga kami saat itu. Saya, yang semenjak meninggalnya Papa tidak pernah bertemu beliau menjadi delusi setengah mati. Untuk pertama kalinya dalam kurun waktu 10 tahun, saya bertemu lagi dengan adik Papa saya yang wajah dan perawakannya nyaris mirip dengan Papa 90%. Sungguh, setengah mati saya menahan delusi sampai acara usai. Selesai acara, saya tak sanggup lagi, saya peluk erat beliau setengah mati. Menangis sejadi-jadinya. Melebur bersama memori yang sudah diaduk-aduk dengan delusi, hingga pada akhirnya saya harus berakhir ditidurkan di ranjang sampai pagi. Kala itu, seluruh keluarga besar saya terpaksa menangis bersama. Atas dasar hal ini, mereka kembali mewanti-wanti agar hal yang sama tidak akan terjadi.

Sayangnya, nasehat keluarga saya dan perjuangan saya sia-sia. Tepat ketika lagu "One Thousand Years" diputar dan saya harus mengantarkan kakak saya pada meja akad, air mata saya sudah menetes. Berulang kali saya tahan, berulang kali juga saya gagal. Ketika Om saya sudah memulai kalimat akadnya, saya kembali menangis. Saya bisa merasakan betul suaranya bergetar. Sementara itu, dihadapannya, dibalik kursi kakak saya, saya sedang berjuang mati-matian membunuh delusi yang sudah mulai meranggas dengan ganas. Semakin saya tatap Om saya, semakin saya lihat sosok Papa dimata beliau. Semakin saya mendekat semakin kuat rasa sakit yang saya rasa. Kala itu, sudah 10 tahun berlalu. Di hari yang seharusnya bahagia, masih saja saya tak bisa membendung air mata. Sungguh, memang benar pula kata Kartini.

Alangkah ajaibnya rasa Kasih sayang, dapat jadi sorga, dapat pula jadi neraka. Mencintai Bapak, menghormatinya jadi keperluan hidup kami, itulah bahagia kami yang terutama. Bila hilang rasa Cinta itu, akan gelap sajalah hidup kami. Dari tangannyalah kami hendak menerima bahagia itu, bila tidak bagi kami bukanlah bahagia namanya. Bila tiada merasa cintanya lagi, selama-lamanya kami tiada akan merasa bahagia sepenuhnya, dan bila ada juga merasa cintanya maka kemalangan kami pun tidak akan pernah terasa segenapnya.

Teruntuk lelaki pertama dihidupku.

Kali ini aku menulis tentangmu, lagi.

Bagaimana kabarmu, Pah?

Aku merindukanmu.

Setengah mati.

Lagi.

Dan lagi.

Bagaimana ini?

Dear SAFEL, I Love You, Do You Believe Me?

:"Experiential learning takes place when a person involved in an activity looks back and evaluates it, determines what was useful or important to remember, and uses this information to perform another activity.”
Jhon D

Buat aini..

Aku nggak tau yang ada dipikiran aini pengen lanjut atau enggak, tapi aku tau di agenda aini selalu ada tempat untuk agenda safel...

Walau kadang suka overlap sama kesibukan ai yang banyaknya 11 12 sama vin~

Aku nggak mau nahan kamu di safel karena aku tau kamu punya kemampuan yang lebih diluar safel...

Tapi kalo kamu masih betah di safel dan masih punya tujuan yang belom tercapai di safel, tentu pintu safel akan selalu terbuka lebar untuk ai~

Intinya aku nggak mau maksa ataupun membebani...

Ikuti saja kata hati..

Karena keputusan malam ini adalah keputusan yang akan menentukan jalan yang akan kamu tempuh selama setahun kedepan...

Saya tau, pesan singkat yang dikirim Ketua Divisi saya tengah malam kemarin, ditulis dengan penuh pengertian. Dan ketika cerita ini saya jabarkan, saya sudah menjawab pesan diatas secara langsung melalui forum Rapat Besar SAFEL yang terakhir, yang kira-kira sudah berlalu empat jam yang lalu...

*****

               

                Dear SAFELita,

              Do you know? That I tried as best as I can to hold my tears during our last meeting some hours ago? I know you may think that I’m melancholy or even over acting. I know, that some of you thought that SAFEL is only an ordinary organization or may be SAFEL is only place for spend your free time during this university’s life. But, who knows that SAFEL can be a guardian for someone?

                Dear SAFELita,

               Do you know? 2,5 years ago, in the middle of 2014, I was registered to SAFEL with brought a lot of big dreams, really. At that time, I brought “My Unanswered Prayers” and tried to believe that SAFEL could make them true. (Anyway you can read it “My Unanswered Prayers” in here http://ainisyarifah96.blogspot.co.id/2014/07/unanswered-prayers.html ). For almost 2,5 years, there were a lot of things happened. For more than 50 programs, student exchanges, competitions, conferences and FGD that I’ve been applied, I always include SAFEL as my proud organization with a lot of golden work experiences on my CV. Bullshit if I say that I can make them all true, but still, I’m proud to say that 90% of my dreams and my Unanswered Prayers that I brought 2,5 years ago to SAFEL were became true. More than because of my CV that written SAFEL in it, all those golden experiences that I got from SAFEL are the best thing that I ever got in my life, in my way on make all my dreams become true.

                Dear SAFELita,

                Thank you for understand really well for all my faults and my absence in our agenda. Thank you for being my eternal supporter, my understandable families and also thank you for being my super warm and welcoming home.

                Dear SAFELita who didn't know me,

                I know, you may didn’t saw me often in our every agenda. You may think that I’m not care enough to our beloved home. And even, may be, you are think that I'm not good enough Senior for you. But, do you still believe me if I say that there are so many ways to show up and tell to peoples who you loved that you love them so much?

                Dear SAFELita who didn’t believe yet that our home is awesome,

                I know, that our home is not popular like the other Foreign Languages Organization from another Universities. I also know, that our events were not glamour enough than another events from another Universities. But do you ever realized that a lot of awesome achievement that you read it every year in Stadium General were come up from our beloved home?

                Dear SAFEL,

                I love you, I adore you,

                In so many ways,

                Do you believe me?

Yogyakarta, 16-12-2016

01.40am

Your CCU-LM’s sister in 2014 till 2016.

Let it be "Late" but You Know How Much I love You, Right?

I write this story for the one,

Who keep asking me how about the next chapter of my "Unanswered Prayer's story"

Who still don't believing in patient, hard work, and prayer. 

More than that,

I write this story for the one,

Who didn't know that she take a big part of my next chapter from "Unanswered Prayer's Story"

******

When I start write this blog, 

I'm in a hurry,

Running to catch my dream,

From Adusicipto Airport to Soetta Airport, Soetta Airport to Changi Airport then finally Changi Airport to Doengmuang Airport. 

And now, when you read this part, I already sitting in my dorm. Is 03.19 am in here, but I can't sleep, no I mean I don't wanna sleep. Because I have a reason, that should make me stay, awake.

2 years ago,

Around October, 2014.

Was the first time for me to know her in person. Before that chance, I didn't know about her popularity in campus or even about how peoples really want to close with her. I even didn't know who is she when people around me keep talking about her achievements. But then, I meet her, listen about her wonderful story, then realize that she is more than what peoples thought, that she is more than an awesome girl.

At that time, the questions that flood up in my mind was, "Why she choose this university instead of another prestigious one? Since she is awesome, is there any university would reject her?"

But it was just my questions that I never asked to her. Till February 2015, she asked me to accompany her free time, in Ambarukmo Plaza. Start from bought batik clothes, then ate at fish & co cafe, watched movie, walked around Amplaz, then end up in Naradha 8A.

I remember that time, we spent our time for almost 12 hour. Talked about everything, 'bout dream, 'bout life, and more than that, 'bout the reason why she study in our university and how she become a super awesome girl.

After my Mom and my two older sisters, she was the fourth people in my life, who really take a big part of my next chapter of "My Unanswered Prayer's Story"

Probably, she didn't know about how important she is in my life. Nor how about she influence my way for this latest 2 years. She even probably dunno, how I want to tell all of this to her.

Then, when you already read this, I'm already lying on my bed. In 12.25 am. This is actually already 31th October, and her birthday already passed.

Did you know? I was sooo busy running around Kasetsart University. Prepared all of the things. From filled up the University form, dorm form, seeing around the building, introduce your self to A,B,C and start to talk about anything. Then, finally, the sky already dark. Back to dorm, lying on the bed, then suddenly the sky already bright.

And now, when you read this part, she already mention me on her instagram, asked me why I didn't say anything about her birthday.

Dear, Mami.

Did you know? I looking up my schedule, looking for the time when I can go to Grand Palace, I know that you love the King. So I want to write that birthday's paper on that place.

But my lecture set up those schedule for tomorrow, so I should wait till tomorrow. 1st of November 2016.

And now, when you come to this part, I'm in the bus, on the way to go Siam. It's a little bit difficult to talk with them, since they can't speak english, and I'm soo bad in thai language. But lucky me, that I found another good guy, who help me to translate what I want to say to driver. 

Dear Mami Ara, 

the one who understand and trust my dreams.

Did you know?

That all story above 30% inspired by my family, 20% by my self then 50% by you.

You?

Yes, you are. 

Because you teach me how to struggle, how to believe in your self and how to stay in here, without any regret.

And now, here I am

In one of my-dreams-comes-true as student of -my-university-that-I-never-thought-before

Dear Mami Ara, 

Did you know?

That I adore you in so many way.

That you are one of my reason why I staying in here.

So, do you believe me if I didn't say anything about your birthday?

Dear Mami Ara,

Happy 25th!

Please, enjoy your life!

Thank you for always supporting me, loving me, and caring me in any kind of situation. 

Nothing that I wish except your happiness.

May Allah always blessing you as always.

So, you know how much I love you, right?

With love,

Your lil girl.

Worth It

 

Q: What you've got from 3 big agenda in a row? I mean, in a month?
A: Headache
Q: What you've got from so-many assignment's deadline between those agenda?
A: Double headache
Q: What you've remembered from what I said before?
A: I'm not telling you it's going to be EASY, I'm telling you it's going to be WORTH IT

Gift

 
      Minggu, 16 Oktober 2016, pukul 07.58 WIB. Notifikasi aplikasi Whatsapp dari smartphone saya berbunyi.

Sebut saja A teman saya, dan B adalah saya.
..........
A: Ay, nanti jam 9nan dikos?
B: Engga nih, aku jam 8.30an udah gak dikos, ada training di Dinas Pariwisata. Gimana?
A: Oh ya, gapapa. Niatnya mau mampir kosanmu bentar, tapi gak jadi hehe.
B: Duh, maaf yaa. Emangnya kamu mau kemana?
A: Mampir bentar aja, mau survey KKN
B: KKN? KKL maksudnya?
..........
    Dan saya belum sempat lihat balasannya lagi. Langsung berangkat ke Dinas Pariwisata Yogyakarta. Sebelumnya, saya berniat mampir ke Sunday Morning sebentar. Niatnya, mau beli topi yang udah saya cari-cari dari berminggu-minggu lalu. Gak tau kenapa, tiap mau beli selalu aja ada yang bikin gak jadi beli. Kalau dihitung-hitung, saya udah gagal beli 4 kali. Kalau misalkan gak butuh, saya gak akan nyoba lagi hari ini buat beli. Sayangnya, udah nyampe tempat, gak ada juga yang jual topinya. Totalnya, saya gagal beli topi 5 kali. Sedih sih, sedikit. Tapi dari kosan, saya sudah bilang sama diri saya sendiri, kalau misalkan gak dapet lagi, berarti saya gak diridhoi Allah buat beli dan disuruh ngirit dengan cara 'minjem' lagi. Alay banget ya beli topi aja bawa-bawa ridho Allah? Oke, back to the topic. Jadi setelah tau gak dapet, saya langsung putar balik buat berangkat ke Dinas Pariwisata. Nyampe disana, saya datang pertama kali. Masih sepi. Karena gak ada kerjaan, saya iseng mainin smartphone. Oiya, jadi keinget tadi lagi Whatsapp-an sama temen.
.......
A: KKN ay, aku mau KKN semester genap. Ay, sebenernya aku tadi ke kosmu mau ngasih ini.
*loading pict*
*Downloaded*
B: Aku tau kamu pengen ini. Tapi aku nyari yang ada gambar unicornnya gak ada, jadi aku beliin yang gambar ini. Please jangan digantiin uangnya ya. Kalo kamu ngeganti uang, aku gak mau ngomong sama kamu.
........
     Saya teriak dalam hati. Ada foto topi warna pink disana. Persis seperti topi yang saya mau. Yang saya cari berminggu-minggu. Yang sudah gagal saya beli sebanyak 5 kali.
Demi apa? Jadi, ini alasan saya gagal beli topi sebanyak 5 kali? Jadi ini alasannya saya gak diridhoi beli topi sama Allah tadi?
      Simple sih sebenernya, cuma sepotong cerita tentang gagal beli topi. Tapi, siapa yang sadar kalau bahkan, Allah sudah mengatur hal sesederhana ini? Ternyata bersyukur itu indah banget ya:") Termasuk sekedar bersyukur udah diperhatiin sama Allah untuk hal sesederhana itu. Tapi, bukannya justru yang sederhana sering menjadi begitu istimewa?:)

Dear My Never-Ending Love

Dear my never-ending love,

Ketika pesan ini mulai kutulis, tiga puluh sembilan menit lagi umurmu 56 tahun, seharusnya.

Sesungguhnya, ketika kata seharusnya berhasil kutulis aku mulai bertanya, “apakah kata seharusnya patut ku pertanyakan?”

Maksudku, apakah umurmu ikut bertambah semenjak kau menghilang dibalik senja kala itu?

Sungguh, aku tidak tahu. Yang kutahu, saat ini, tiga puluh empat menit lagi, tepat 10 kali aku terjebak pada lingkar 17 September

Dear my never-ending love,

Kau tahu?

Betapa tanggal 17 September menjadi hari yang begitu sendu?

Terhitung ditahun ini pada tanggal yang sama, sudah 10 surat sendu kukirimkan,

untukmu.

Semua berisi bualan bahwa aku baik-baik saja tanpamu

Dear my never-ending love,

Kau percaya?

Aku tidak pernah baik-baik saja tanpamu, sekalipun ketika aku menulis surat pengakuan ini

Sejujurnya, aku lelah memikirkan apa yang harus kuberikan untukmu di hari-yang-“seharusnya” istimewa ini setiap tahunnya di sepuluh tahun belakangan ini

Kau tahu?

Hal ini seribu kali lebih menyiksa dibandingkan memikirkan kado terindah yang bisa kubelikan untukmu setiap tanggal ini belasan tahun yang lalu.

Astaga, betapa ungkapan belasan-tahun-yang-lalu terdengar begitu usang!

Dear my never-ending love,

Kau tahu?

Ada sebongkah rindu yang tertahan didalam sini

Begitu dalam, hingga aku tak mampu untuk merabanya

Dear my never-ending love,

Dua menit lagi, lingkar sendu itu akan terbuka lebar

Memutarkan rekaman indah memori belasan tahun lalu

Dear my never-ending love,

Sekarang sudah lewat dua menit hari istimewamu tiba

Apakah hari ini tetap menjadi istimewa meskipun kau telah hilang dibalik senja?

Ah, kau bahkan tidak pernah sekalipun menganggap hari ini istimewa

Ya, aku yang memilih untuk membuatnya terlihat berbeda

Dan aku sendiri yang tersiksa

Dear my never-ending love,

Sekarang, ketika kau baca suratku, aku sedang melewati angka 12.08

Tertanda pada pukul 12.08 WIB, kuakhiri surat sendu ini bersama ribuan rindu yang tak terhingga

Dear my never-ending love,

Selamat ulang tahun.

Aku merindukanmu, Pah.

Setengah mati.

Bagaimana ini?