Journal of Twenty Two Life: Siklus Kehidupan: Tentang Sebuah Kematian

Apa yang kalian pikirkan pertama kali jika mendengar kata “kematian”? Sebuah tangisan? Ketakutan? Kesedihan? Atau kehilangan?

Maka aku memilih untuk menyebutnya sebuah kegelapan.

Jika kalian cukup mengulik jauh blog ini, maka kalian akan menemukan banyak luka yang menguar. Luka tentang kematian dan kehilangan, luka yang bertahun-tahun selalu kucoba untuk disembuhkan. Maka setelah sekian lama aku tidak membicarakannya, malam ini, entah mengapa aku ingin kembali bergumul dengannya.

Aku tahu, kematian memang sesuatu yang pasti. Pun dengan yang namanya kehilangan. Dengan gamblang, Sapardi Djoko Damono bahkan mengungkapkan bahwa ketakutan terhadap kematian dan kelahiran merupakan hal yang sangat wajar, yang sama sekali tidak bisa dipahami namun pasti akan terjadi. Aku bukan seorang filsuf yang menurut Sapardi sudah cukup akrab dengan pembahasan tentang tiga serangkai yang pelik nan muskyil yaitu: lahir, hidup, mati.
Pun, aku bukan sastrawan layaknya Amir Hamzah yang mampu menghidupkan keambiguan antara ketakutan dan kesiapan terhadap sebuah kematian. Syairku belum mampu menandingi sajak "Karikatur Orang Kedinginan". Aku hanyalah aku, seorang gadis yang mencoba berobat dengan rentetan kata, yang rajin ia susun agar lupa rasanya sakit karena luka.

Aku sempat mengira bahwa kematian yang lalu-lalu sudah cukup mampu menegarkanku. Tapi nyatanya tidak. Kuakui aku masih takut bertatap muka dengannya.

Akhir-akhir ini, entah mengapa bayangan salah seorang terpenting di hidupku terus berkelebat. Frekuensinya semakin hari semakin hebat. Membuatku tidak tenang dan semakin diliputi oleh rasa ketakutan. Kemudian aku tersadar, bahwa sekeras apapun kusamarkan, ‘ia’ memang tidak berkendak untuk pergi seutuhnya. Lantas ketika bayang-bayang kematian kembali muncul, aku jadi kelimpungan dan semakin tidak karuan.

Teruntuk, hati yang belum pulih seutuhnya. Kau masih mau berjuang untuk menyembuhkannya, bukan? 

Yogyakarta, 2 Juni 2018

Ditulis ketika semakin takut untuk kehilangan Eyang Putri.

Journal of Twenty Two Life: I Love The Time When I'm on The Train

I love the time when I'm on the train

Look at the window and see the sky,

trees,

mountain,

field,

river,

road,

building,

car,

motorcycle,

bike,

bus,

truck,

container,

and peoples.

I love the time when I'm on the train

Look at the sun come down,

bring the blue color,

then paint it with yellow, 

change it to orange,

then red,

then turn into black,

and suddenly become night.

I love the time when I'm on the train 

Sitting on the seat and date my thoughts

Talking to my deep then thinking out loud

..............

"What I really wanna be?"

"Why this 22 life is so scary?"

Behind window's train. On my way to Yogyakarta.

12th May 2018.

Journal of Twenty Two Life : Prolog

Ketika tulisan ini berhasil diposting, itu tandanya aku menang. Aku sudah berhasil menyisihkan sedikit ruang hatiku untuk berbincang, untuk sekedar berhenti sejenak dan bersyukur. Untuk bertemu dan berdialog lebih dalam dengan “aku”, sebuah jiwa yang sedang berpendar ditengah kesemuan yang fana.

Tulisan-tulisan yang selanjutnya akan kusatukan dalam seri “Journal of Twenty Two Life”, sebuah tulisan sederhana yang ingin kusimpan baik dalam blog ini. Tunggu sebentar, ini tidak akan menjadi sebuah tulisan ataupun jurnal motivasi. Aku hanya ingin menulis dan mengajak jiwa-jiwa yang sedang dirundung kesemuan untuk berdialog dengan dirinya sendiri. Untuk menemukan apa yang sebenarnya ingin ia cari, untuk memahami apa yang seharusnya dimengerti.

Jangan berfikir aku sudah menemukan “aku”. Justru alasan utamaku “menghidupkan” jurnal ini agar bertemu dengannya. Bertemu dengan “aku” yang utuh, yang mengenal dirinya siapa, yang tahu maunya apa, dan yakin tujuannya ingin kemana.

Aku tahu ini bukan tugas yang mudah. Mendidik seorang “aku” menjadi “nahkoda” di laut lepas bukan perkara sepele. Ia belum mahir mengendalikan arah angin, belum mengerti caranya menghalau ombak, pun memperbaiki kapal kalau-kalau suatu saat menabrak batu karang. Terlebih si “aku” sedang menginjak angka dua puluh dua. 

Orang bilang, ketika seorang “aku” sudah menginjak angka dua puluh dua, maka “kacamata”nya akan seketika naik pangkat. Apa yang dilihatnya bukan hanya tentang warna pelangi yang indah. Mungkin ia akan melihat berbagai macam warna yang belum pernah ditemui sebelumnya. Bisa jadi ia akan bertemu dengan warna-warna yang terlihat semu, suram atau pudar. Bisa juga ia akan bertemu dengan aneka warna yang merona, merekah dan juga berani. Maka, tertanggal prolog jurnal ini diposting, semoga si “aku” tidak akan lalai untuk membingkai setiap perjalanan dalam“ekspedisi”nya.  Selamat malam, sampai jumpa di jurnal berikutnya!

Life isn't always lovely, but it's a beautiful ride

Hai, I know it's already 2018, but how your 2017? 

What your best companion?

Your best healer?

This post probably gonna be so cliche, but yeah, if you curious about my 2017's life, enjoy.

****
"we don’t grow when things are easy, we grow when we face challenges."

Hai, do you know that every year couldn't be so lovely and successful year? I know,
I know it for sure, so do my 2017.
I fought for so many rain, and couldn't see the rainbow yet. 
Ya, struggle is not a joke, sometimes it's drive me crazy.

In the end of 2016, I resigned from my 2 UKM (Safel, Magenta Radio) and volunteer activities that I really love. For 2 years since 2014, I gave my time to them. I got so many events, meetings, GR, and so many hectic stuff with them. Even on weekend, I often have kind of A, B, or C things to attend. It was both tired and excited at the same time. Sometimes I got stressed but also got a lot of happiness. Through this UKM and volunteer activities, I got everything that always I dreaming for long time. 

If you read my "Unanswered Prayer" that I post at this blog in 2014, you probably know why I run away from my academic life and choose to trapped in the middle of outside class's activities.

Ya, because I used to hate my own path. So I decide to run away. And I think outside class's activities were my real path. I learn about Cross Culture Understanding, about foreign language, about making project and event, about marketing stuff, about being Radio announcer, being MC, doing live reportage, doing interview, and so many things. More than that, I found new family and friends that I could rely on, that I could trust to discover and learn something new together. We discuss, we fought, we cried, and we laugh in so many things. You know? Because of them I'm alive. I fall for them, till I forget that I still have another important thing to be done. And that was, my academic life.

I'm not an IPK girl, seriously. I don't even often check my siakad. It's because I don't care, and I realized I'm not "top student" in my class. So that's why I run away from the class. I tried to join Safel and Magenta, I start apply for so many things, and I start to join some volunteer activities outside University. Because I know there's nothing that I could do with my academic life. Because I know I'm not smart enough to bet top students in my class and because I realized, I couldn't do nothing. If I couldn't do A, so I should try B, C, until there isn't alphabet anymore in the world.

Until someday I realized, I couldn't be so egoist. I know I couldn't run away forever. My Mama need my academic report. I know she hesitate to asked my IPK since 2014 because she know I'm in pain. But I couldn't do this any longer. So that's why I promise to her to resigned from UKM and all of volunteer activities in the end of 2016 and start to do my academic life with all of my soul in 2017. 

Is it hard?

Yes, really hard.

I'm dying in a year.

I used to be hectic with a lot of activities, I used to meet a lot of peoples and hear many kind of "receh-but entertain" jokes. But suddenly I should being a girl who "not-so-me". What could I do were only went to campus, did assignments, back to Kos, then suddenly it's already morning, and I should do the same thing everyday. Sadly, I didn't see any significant progress yet from my effort. And it's drive me crazy. Seriously, I miss my old path back then. Everyday I told my self with thousand word of "If I could run away to my old path..."

Meanwhile,

I got a lot of friends through UKM and my volunteer activities, and I'm keep in touch with them on Social Media. They keep share their activities, and I saw it everyday. They do a lot of positive and useful things. Meanwhile, I just doing my academic life for my self, and I didn't see a good result yet.
Honestly, I'm jealous. I'm jealous with them who can do a lot of positive things to their self and other. I feel my 2017 path was not so me.

But, 

People keep asking me why I'm resigned, why I didn't join this event, why I didn't apply this project, why I didn't join this volunteer activity. And it's killing me for sure. 

Would they understand my answer?

If I try to tell them, would they hear my super long reason?

And, even if they said yes, I realized, I'll be the one who couldn't tell them. Because once I start to tell them the reason, I probably couldn't hold my tears. And I don't wanna show my tears to them.

Ya, that's the art of struggle. Being strong in struggle is hard, isn't? But, you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have, right??

So that's why I try to looking for a best companion and healer. 

Do you know what is that?

That were "library" and "books".

I dunno how much I should say thanks to "library" and "books" that being both my best companion and healer whenever I feel so desperate. 

You know? every time I ran to library, walking in each row, pick up some books, turn the page and fall into them, it's kinda peaceful time. Suddenly, library and book being my favorite place to escape. It's warm, it's safe, it's peaceful. ❤

In that place, through library and book, I tried to make a peace with my own self. It's such long journey. But it's amazing. Finally, I realized, there's nothing to do with regret. If it already happen, just let it be. Saying "If I could run away to my old path" will not changes the fate. What you can do is only making a new goal, making a new dream, and fight for them without complaining until your last breath. Because "as you waste your breath complaining about life, someone out there is probably breathing their last breath and appreciate what you have."

Look, struggle is not easy right?
But that's okay, because,

"Struggles make you stronger, the changes make you wiser and happiness has its own way of taking its sweet time. Life isn't always lovely, but it's a beautiful ride." ❤ -Allan Garry

So, how about you?

Did you feel your 2017 was not lovely than before?? 

Do you have your best companion and healer to heal your pain?

Let me know, I'll glad to hear your story :)

Pain

She is in pain.

She already told her self thousand times to didn't cross the line.

But she swallow her own word.

She walked too far,

and she trapped

and she couldn't move

and she don't know how to comeback home.

That's why she keep trying to running,

As far as she could pass,

as strong as she could stand.

But sadly,

She realize that her choice was the worst choice that she ever did 

But sadly (again),

She don't know what to do,

except enjoy her own rain,

while she waiting the rainbow come.

probably it will come tomorrow, 

next week, 

next year 

a year after next year

or even it wouldn't come forever.

Pulang

Ini bukan lagi tentang kepulangan,

Tapi tentang rindu yang berusaha ditahan demi sebuah perjuangan

I told my self to didn't 'run' to this railway station before everything done. Before I get what I want. Before I achieve what I trying and praying for.

Those past 5 months were not "easy" period. Sometimes I cried in my room and called my Mama then told her that I wanna go home no matter what. But thousand times I told her that thing, thousand times I also told her that I wanna go home after I make my "wish list" come true.

And today, after soo many sleepless, stressful and thunder,

I won, I'm going home,

for a while,

because I know I still have another long long way to walk through.

(Thanks Allah, feel so blessed, Alhamdulillah)

Yogyakarta, 20 November 2017 

To Billa, Congraduation beib!

Dear, Billa.

I dunno what the best gift that I could give to you. Because I thought there isn't best gift that could represent how important you are in my life.

So here I write this letter. 

Wish you read it slowly, in your free time, with a cup of tea, then play your favorite song.

Dear Billa,

Let's throw back to 2015.

"Kak, kumpulnya dimana ya? Aku udah sampe di depan KR nih, tapi gak tau kalian yang mana"

"Oke, gue samperin yah. Anyway gak usah panggil kak. Kayaknya kita seumuran"

Did you remember that bil?

Itu pertama kali percakapan kita. Pas kumpul volunteer IOAA chapter Jogja yang pertama. 

Then, we went to Magelang. To our memorable resort, Puri Asri. Dan, saat itu agenda para volunteer lagi sibuk ngurus barang-barang student/ observer/ atau teamleadernya. Meanwhile, kita justru sibuk mengkotak-kotakan para volunteer yang dateng dari seluruh Indonesia. Which one is 'gebetan-able', which one is 'pacar-able' dan which one is 'suami-able'.

I know we such a dork girls (at that time). Percakapan dulu sangat tidak berfaedah, really. Tapi ya, apa yang kalian harepin dari pemikiran bocah 19 tahun yang sedang 'trapped in the middle of 'happiness' circle' ?lol.

Dan, I still remember the time when we finally forced to sleep in different room. Sempet maksain buat pindah kamar, kalau-kalau kita lupa buat profesional. Dan, untung kamar kita gak jauh-jauhan banget ya bil:') We passed those 2 weeks like a dream. Cepet banget.

But ya, the main point is not about those 2 weeks. Okay, I could deny that those 2 weeks still being my fav volunteer's memories so far. But more than that, I'm very blessed that IOAA give me so many (new) families that I could rely on, and one of them is you, bil.

I know 2015 to 2017 was so short. But hey, it's not always about time right? Sometimes, time doesn't matter. Sometimes, heart know best, which one would be the real definition of 'home'. 

And through our home, we've been through a lot of things in it. Both happiness and sadness. 

You know I'm such a cry baby girl. But I couldn't cry in front of peoples but you. Like, I still could believe I could cry in front of you bil.

-Making new friends is easy. But hold them still is hard-

"Pernah mikir gak sih Ai? Kenapa kita bisa tetep keep in touch sampe sekarang?"

"Kenapa bil?"

"Soalnya salah satu dari kita selalu ngiket. Even we just asked a simple question like, "Ai, apakabar? Lagi sibuk apa sekarang?". We know that sometimes, or for some peoples, especially for now day, those question is like super basa basi question. But however, justru pertanyaan basa basi itu yang bikin kita awet, sampe sekarang. Sampe salah satu dari kita ada yang ngechat,  "Lagi dimana? Makan bareng yuk!". Dan kita masih "nyempetin", dan we talk a lot of things, till now."

Inget bil? Itu percakapan terakhir kita pas makan bareng di Lotek Bu Bagyo. Atas janji aku ke kamu buat makan bareng setelah KKN. And we did it.

I know lately we look so grey and blue. We still laughed in super receh jokes outside, meanwhile we had our own hard time inside. 

But bil, all is well as long as we have each other, right??

Dear, Billa.

The one that I always call billa instead of dinnar.

Thank you for being the one that I could rely on.

Tau gak sih bil, kalo lagi sendu dan inget kamu, aku selalu inget lorong-lorong JIH. Kamu yang rela nemenin aku, nunggu dokter dari sore-larut malem. Have a deep talk, and cried together:')

And ya, memori itu selalu bikin aku buat gak berhenti bersyukur sama Allah punya kamu bil:')

Dear, Billa.

Thank you for being my eternal reminder, my sister, my deep talk partner, my volunteer partner, my lunch partner and my loyal supporter.

Let's keep in touch. I've promised to visit you in your home. So please, trust me. Whenever is it. Please, wait me:')

Dear, Billa.

Thank you for write my name in your thesis. You know it's an honoured:') Sadly, I even couldn't attend both your thesis defense or graduation ceremony. Bil, you know how much I proud of you right? As much as I'm sad to realize that I couldn't attend both of them.

Dear, Billa.

Today is your day.

The day when you finally arrived in one of 'hardest path' in your life.

Congratulations babe!!

You know that you more than awesome, that I proud of you so much, that I love you to the moon and back.

Dear, Billa.

Let's meet, let's talk, soon.

Dear, Billa.

Aku rindu

With love,

Ai.

Let's Be Human, as Human Being

       “May be, the reason why children who lose someone that means so much to them in their early ages, whether they are family or not, seem like growing up with different mental developments than those who don’t. And once they are old enough to understand things, they get this mixed emotion in their hearts. It’s only because they don’t get the chance to talk about how happy they are to fall in love for the first time, or that time they get good grades, or the one when they get their hearts broken. When things go bad or good, all of those moments they go through, they expect their loved ones to know and be there for them. Yet, they grow up with that failed expectation since their loved ones passed away.

          And, in the meantime, people come and go in their lives. They may seem okay but that doesn’t make things easier tho because you know what? They just get used to it since they were kids. But that doesn’t mean you can do fuck you wanna do and leave them as you please. You’ll break what has been broken a long time ago. You’ll break the pieces into smaller pieces. Like for example, one day you asked them to open up to you, and the next day, you acted like nothing happened. They opened up to you dammit. They trusted you. That something they don’t do often. But maybe that’s just them misinterpreting things. I dunno.

         Now, tell me. When was the last time you lost someone important to you? How old were you at the time? 12?20?24?Well, I believe it’ll STILL break your hearts, no matter how old you are when it happens. But can you imagine how would you feel if it happened to you when you were way younger than that? Now, go figure it out. And stop judging. Stop making fun of someone’s sensitivity. We are all sensitive in our own ways. And in the end, everything matters.”

         I pick this up from my friend, Ratri. She wrote and share it on her insta-story last month. And ya, I do agree with it, with her thought. I plan to write and post her thought since I read it. But ya, it’s never become my priority (at least) for last month. And now, here we are.

         Now day, there are more and more “those peoples” who try really hard to become “Judge”. They acted like they know everything, that they were the most right person in this earth, that they can do anything as they please and more than that, that they thought, they deserve to interfere someone else’s life.

Ya, we might see someone else’s life so “bright” outside, but we don’t know how many “dark” she have been through inside. Also, we might see someone else’s life is so messy, but we don’t know, are we can afford that messiness life and still alive if we are in her position.

Okay, what Ratri wrote probably is only one from million cases. But the conclusion from another million cases were same:

“Do not judge. You don’t know what storm I’ve asked her to walk through.”--God

I know probably some of you would say that this issue is nonsense, but ya, whether you thought that it's nonsanse or make a sense,

Come on,

Let’s be human as human being. Let’s spread love and stop hating, let’s stop judging and let’s stop making fun of someone’s sensitivity. Because we are all sensitive in our own ways.

Salam positive vibes!:)

Pukul 1 pagi. Kau Butuh Kopi Segelas Lagi

"Tidak ada yang bisa diajak berbincang. Dari jendela kau lihat bintang-bintang sudah lama tanggal. Lampu-lampu kota bagai kalimat selamat tinggal. Kau rasakan seseorang dikejauhan menggeliat dalam dirimu. Kau berdoa: semoga kesedihan memperlakukan matanya dengan baik"

Dia memilih berhenti dan melewati bagian 'prosa' ini. Merajuk pada sosok yang tidak seharusnya membaca potongan mesra Aan Mansyur. Biarkan sosok itu berlalu. Tenggelam bersama waktu. Lalu,

"Dirimu tidak pernah utuh. Sementara kesunyian adalah buah yang menolak untuk dikupas. Jika kau coba melepas kulitnya, hanya akan kau temukan kesunyian yang lebih besar."

Pukul 1 pagi. Kau butuh kopi segelas lagi.

Dear My Self

When I said "I need take a break," I never mean it that it would be more than a week.
I realized,
I never take a real break in my life after he gone.
I've told you it's drive me crazy, really.
And I dunno how to handle except do a lot of things without a long break.
Then,
when I got a long..long break like nowday,
I always tell to my self that I'm okay.
That I'm fine.
But why I still curled my body in the dark, played the sad song, then fight against my anxiety?
I'm not telling my self that I'm not getting better than 11 years ago,
but I don't want to deny that I'm not recover 100% yet.
I know,
I know it hurt my self.
I know it hurt my body.
It killing me a lot,
mentaly,
physicaly.
And it was exhausting, for sure.
But trust me,
I fight 'em for half of my life.
I'll try.
And I keep tryin'

Dear my self,
Would you still fight for your self no matter what?
You know everyone deserve to be happy,
So you do.

Denial

 

Denial. 

She hate denial.

But sometimes she did it.
She did it to protect herself. 

Bcs it's the only way to survive.
She love being loved, but she afraid to fallin' in love.
She hate losing someone who she loved.

Bcs she is dumb in controlling pain.