Unspoken

 

"Because I think, I couldn't say this Mei, or I would cry in front of you. And I won't, so here we are..."

"Ai, udah dikampus?"
"Ai, udah ngerjain tugas ini?"
"Ai, udah belajar buat UAS?"
"Ai, habis ini mau sarapan dulu kan?Soto Rembang apa foodcourt?"
"Ai, balik kos apa nunggu dikampus?"
"Ai, sholat dulu yuk."
"Ai, keperpus gak?"
"Ai, ke Ignatius yuk"
"Ai, ntar malem jadi ke JCO?"
"Ai, sibuk gk?Temenin kesini"
"Ai, besok pas aku lomba dateng ya, di Gembira Loka"
"Ai, ke gramed yuk?"
"Ai, udah beli buku ini? Nyari di social agency yuk"
"Ai, jadi mau beli batik buat eyang? Ke malioboro aja ya"
"Ai nyetak foto sekalian di ortindo?"
"Ai, habis ini ke toko merah ya!"
"Ai, ke cafe ini yuk?"
"Ai, aku badmood, temenin belanja"
"Ai, besok bareng aja aku jemput dikos ya"
"Ai, anterin ke Prambanan"
"Ai, ayo liburan ke Dieng!"
"Ai, jadi nge jeep ke Merapi kan?"
"Ai, ikut ke banyuwangi?"
"Ai, ke Semarang aja po?"
"Ai, jadi ke hotel gak?"
"Ai, mau keluar sama anak-anak apa dikamar aja?"
"Ai, PPL sama aku ya. Di SMA Depok gimana?"
"Ai, kita dipindah di SMA Bantul."
"Ai, udah bikin RPP? Media kamu apa?"
"Ai, mau maju micro minggu ini apa minggu depan?"
"Ai, besok observasi yuk."
"Ai, kita cari kos kapan?"
"Ai, aku udah sholat istikharah, lamarannya aku terima." :')
.....
Dan, yang terakhir bikin saya speechless setengah mati. Really:')

I know her since Maba. She is the one who always stand by my side on my up and down univ lyfe. When peoples see my laugh, she is the one who saw my cried. When peoples see my bright, she is the one who saw my dark. When peoples see my victory, she is the one who saw my struggle. I'm not share my biggest fear and anxiety to everyone. But she is one of few people who really know how I really am.
She is not psycholog, nor the one who I know for so long. But she know how to handle my fear. She just listen all in my heart.

Dear Meime,
Listen to me,
I dunno what will happen to us after this.
We already done our class and you already getting married. We probably rarely meet. Our time is getting limit. So let me say this thing to you.

Dear Meime,
Thank you for being my eternal supporter Meii,
Thank you for always listen all my fear, my anxiety, my dark and even my cried.
I know you probably bored or tired to hear all those rubbish things. But yeah, you still beside me no matter what.

Dear Meime,
You know I'm weak.
You know I'm such a cry baby.
And you know I need you, for sure.
So please don't go too far, I beg you.
Let me comes to you whenever I need you.
You will still stand by side, right?
Dear Meime,
Will you?

Meii,
I know, I know that it was not an easy decision for you. I know, getting married in 21 y.o is not a small thing. Even I know, it's more and more -not an easy thing to do-  when your Ummi gone before D-Day. But Allah never give a problem more than human can do, right? And I do believe, you are tough more than anyone knows.

Dear Meime,
Happy wedding ya Me:')
Wish you be a happiest bride, happy wife and have a good life with your hubby :')

Dear Meime,
:"""""""")

Meii,
I'm happy for you, really.
As happy as your Ummi too :')

Meii,
:""""")

With Love,
Your teman makan ice cream jagung.

A Letter: Life, Pain, Hope, Forgiveness and Us

“Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.”
— Oprah Winfrey

Dear Mb Putri,

You might realized I'm no longer "your-childhood's-best-friend-used-to-be" after that day. After those death announcement sounded all around our "playground" in 2005. You told me you cried after you heard it. I told you I'm okay after all. But the fact was, I'm dead. 

I don't remember all the detailed of my life after the funeral. I just found my future was end, but my "new" life just begun. The worst begun.
I don't have any good memories after all. What I could saw just black, and black.
I hate going to school. For 1 year I often skipped class, went to hospital, sleep on my bed, wonder that it was just a dream, but I woke up the next day, and everything just the same: a girl without Dad, a girl without hope, a girl without a happy life.
I don't even remember are we still playing around together everyday at 2005-2007?
Am I still being your "childhood's best friend" as usual? A normal me? As normal as before my Dad gone?

Dear Mb Putri, 

You know, those years we're the worst years in my life. I just could believe that everything just changes 180 degree without permission. I'm just around 8 or 9 years old back then, and you know that. I'm just a little girl who didn't know everything. I dunno why my Dad didn't work anymore, why my Dad getting pale day by day, why my Dad didn't recovery soon and even, what kind of my Dad's disease? Then I remember one day, a day when I was so tired to saw him went to Hospital every week with Taxi. Then I told my Dad with anger why he sell our car, I told him that everything would be easier if he didn't sell it. And he just asked me to shut up. I was about to cry. Didn't expect that he would be like that. Then the next month he gone. And I regret to said that kind of word on him. On his difficult time. If you asked me what am I remember from those years, I just remember about cried, skipped class, pain and medicine. 

I hate going to school. I hate to realized that I'm no longer a normal student. You know that, in back then, being 'a girl without Dad' in our extraordinary school was rare. I hate get any pitiful sight, sympathy feel or empathy act. I hate being attention, a worst attention. But I couldn't tell anyone. Even I couldn't tell to you. I just end up cried by my self.
More than that, I hate my new life. My new life without Dad. I used to hate being struggler. I hate started from the new beginning, from the lower ground. I really want to tell you that I was so sad, that I hurt, that I really really shame with my life without my Dad. At that time, I thought that my family without him just nothing. The fact that I couldn't buy anything easily anymore, I used to hate that. But I know I couldn't tell anyone, you, my sisters or even my Mom.

Dear Mb Putri, at that time you know it, that I didn't have Dad anymore. That my life changes. That I'm no longer the old me. But, you still beside me, no matter what happened, no matter what I ride.

Then, we started our junior high school life. Our adventure begun. Your unwanted school, your illness, your new little brother, your transferred school, your new life. So do I. My desperate of school, my Mama's surgery, my another black life, my another struggle.
And, you (still) beside me, so do I (still) beside you. We shared each other pain.

Senior High School life begun. I moved. You still. Did you know? At that time I runned away. I used to hate this small town. No I mean I used to hate all those pain in this town. So I decided to moved. I thought it would be a new day. A new friends, new story, a new hope. But the fact was, I keep struggling in the beginning. It was not an easy way at all. But at least, I found a new hope. My life get a little better and better. Better than before. And you still beside me. No matter what happen. In my pain, in my happy time.

Until, in the late of 2013. The hardest storm hit you. I know you are in a deep pain. But I couldn't say anything, and I won't. I used to be your position. And I know there's nothing to help with word. Back then, I just need your existence. So I thought you would be like that. You know Mbak? I wrote a letter to you on that day. A letter that I never send to you. You can read it in here. http://ainisyarifah96.blogspot.co.id/2016/08/im-not-ok-you-are-not-ok-and-that-is-ok.html
Just like I wrote in the last line.
"Everything gonna be okay. I'm here, I'm with you" :')

And look. It already 2017 Mbak, and our pain were healed one by one:') Slowly, but sure, we could stand with our own feet. Without burden, without hate. Slowly, but sure, struggle become our bestfriend in our life. We cried for it, but we thanks to 'em. We know, that without struggle, we couldn't be a strong girl. We couldn't be what we are today.

Dear Mb Putri,
I'm strong because of struggle.
But I couldn't passed those struggle without you.
I never wonder how my life without you. How my life if God didn't give a life for you in 5 June in 22 years ago.

Dear Mb Putri,
Happy birthday Mbak, Happy belated 22 birthday:)
Nothing, nothing that I wish except your happiness.

Dear Mb Putri.
My sister, my best, my everything. 

Our another struggle might come.

Let's pass it together.
Let's getting older together.
Let's celebrate our 30 years old, 40 years old, 50 years old, 60 years old, 70 or 80..something years old together.
Trust me, I would never be boring with that.
So please, stay healthy.
Stay stand by my side.
No matter what happen.

Dear Mb Putri.
Let's build our bright future together.
Till the end. Till I'm dead. Till we meet again in Jannah :')

Love you as always.
As you know how much I love you.
Your bestie since born.

Hurt

Sometimes, your friends going hurt you so bad.
They were act that they know everything.
About you, about your life, even about your past.
Then they make a joke of your past, without knowing what really happen.
Then you just keep silent, but they were said, "are you mad just because of this?"

Sometimes, your close friends going hurt you so bad.
She already know about you, about your life, even about your past.
But, she make a joke of your past in front of your friends, act that she didn't know what have been happened, so she laughs so hard with your friends.
Meanwhile, you just keep silent, but she said, "are you mad just because of this?"

Sometimes, jokes really hurt you so bad.
It never be funny at all.

To One Of My Human Diary: Happy Birthday!

"friendship is so weird. You just pick a human you've met and you're like, 'Yep, I like this one,' and you just do stuff with them." -Bill Murray

Dear my human diary Ipok,
Are you wait my kind of "happy birthday ipok" stuff ?
Okay, sorry for didn't say anything or uploud this picture on 00.15 am like you did on my birthday last time. You know I always have a lot of things to do like I did today (even I dunno what exactly I've done, lol)
So let me tell you something, listen.

First, thank you for being -the-one-and-only-person-who-stay-in-the-class- when I said "I need the one who help me to make a song for Siso":') Bill Murray ever said, "friendship is so weird. You just pick a human you've met and you're like, 'Yep, I like this one,' and you just do stuff with them." Did you realize pok? After that, I trust you to be one of my bestfriends and we start to do a lot of things together!-okay thanks to siso cup smaga- :D

Second, thank you for being -the-one-who-always-said- "Ya, let's do it. Why not?" when I asked "let's apply freelance job, let's try to open online shop, let's apply this conference, let's travel to this place, let's hang out to this cafe, let's hunting picture tomorrow, let's cover this song or even -the-most-super-silly-things- like, let's do a snapgram! A crazy one?" -Oh gosh, could you pick one of our best memories? Which one? Which place? Ponorogo, Madiun, Bali, Surabaya, Yogyakarta, Banyuwangi?

Third, thank you for understand all the things happened in my life. Thank you for always listening my random talk even mostly I disturb your midnight just for listen my (so many) rubbish stories. Ah, because pillow talk is the best pok:') Wish we could do "a real" pillow talk soon. Before June end, shall we?

And the last, thank you for always being the one who understand when I'm not okay. I know you always waiting me untill I tell you what exactly happened even you wanna hear those story as soon as you know that I'm not okay.

Dear my human diary Ipok,
You know life is not easy, right?
As not easy as my 21 y.o's life that I already told you some days ago.
So please, stand by my side.

Dear my human diary Ipok,
Is it your beginning of 21 y.o's life?
Welcome to the jungle baby!<3
Ah, how the time gone so fast:')
Do you remember our random conversation some month ago? About how we meet with our first impression to each other?

Dear my human diary Ipok,
Talk about 5 years ago would be so funny. About our senior high school's life, about our friendship, about our struggle of final test, or even about our first and our -one-and-only-boyfriend-:D (can't believe we even have same story about our ex)

But dear my human diary Ipok,
How about our next 5 years?
What we gonna talk?
About our post graduate's life? Our job? Our fiance? or even our marriage's life??
Let's see and let me be your human diary, Pok:')

Dear my human diary Ipok,
Happy 21 years old!
Look! Now I'm officially congratulate you!:D
Nothing that I wish except your happiness. (Yeah I know it's too classic to say, but then, what should I say?)
Okay. So please say everything that you want, then I'll ask to Allah to make it true.How?

With love,

Your human diary,

Aini.

Mencintai Bapak dan Bahagia Sepenuhnya

"Mencintai Bapak, menghormatinya jadi keperluan hidup kami, itulah bahagia kami yang terutama. Bila hilang rasa Cinta itu, akan gelap sajalah hidup kami. Dari tangannyalah kami hendak menerima bahagia itu, bila tidak bagi kami bukanlah bahagia namanya. Bila tiada merasa cintanya lagi, selama-lamanya kami tiada akan merasa bahagia sepenuhnya"

--Potongan Surat Kartini kepada Nyonya Cvink Soer pada Agustus 1900—

Potongan surat Kartini diatas mampu memaksa saya untuk membuka kotak memori dua tahun yang lalu. Pada akhirnya, tulisan Kartini mampu menuntun saya pula untuk kembali menulis. Namun, sebenar-benarnya, saya tidak seperti Kartini yang kala itu sedang bergolak dengan batinnya akibat sebuah dilema diantara harus memilih cita-cita atau sang Bapak. Pun justru sebenar-benarnya, saya hanyalah sesosok gadis yang nyaris kehilangan cita-citanya akibat kepergian sang Bapak. Untungnya, saya masih memiliki kesamaan dengan Raden Ajeng Kartini. Sama-sama mencintai Bapak. Ya, itu yang sama. Ketika tulisan selanjutnya saya mulai, sebutan Bapak akan saya ubah menjadi Papa. Selayaknya saya memanggil beliau dulu kala. Supaya saya bisa merasakan kehadiran beliau secara lebih dekat...

*****

Potongan foto-foto diatas diambil ditahun 2015. Foto yang bagian kanan, diambil ketika saya sedang memutarkan video memori tentang Papa disesi kejutan untuk kakak saya. Sisanya, di foto sebelah kiri, ada saya bersama nenek dan keluarga saya yang sedang menangis haru ketika Om saya mengambil alih posisi Papa dalam mengucapkan ijab kabul. Sejujurnya, saya sudah menyiapkan mental baja jauh-jauh hari sebelum pernikahan ini terjadi. Mungkin bisa dibilang saya sudah mempersiapkannya sejak tanggal pernikahan tersebut ditetapkan. Sayangnya, sekuat apapun mental saya, tetap saja kalimat "selama-lamanya kami tiada akan merasa bahagia sepenuhnya" cukup menjelaskan alasan saya gagal dalam misi ini.

----Sebelumnya, sebelum saya menulis lebih lanjut, alangkah lebih baiknya apabila siapapun yang sedang membaca paragraf ini terlebih dahulu membaca postingan saya disini "People Changes, Memories Don't" lalu dilanjutkan disini "Dear My Never Ending Love" .Hal inipun bertujuan agar siapapun yang membaca postingan ini dapat lebih mengerti jalan ceritanya.-----

Satu hari sebelum akad nikah dilakukan, saudara-saudara saya tidak bosan-bosan mengulang nasehatnya. "Ingat ya dek, besok pas akadnya mbak Ocha gak boleh nangis. Ditahan ya, sampe acaranya selesai" Sungguh sebelum mereka mengingatkan pun saya sudah mengerti. Namun memang nampaknya mereka takut kalau-kalau saya hilang kendali lagi. Singkat cerita, ketika malam lamaran, Om saya (yang menjadi wali nikah kakak saya) juga datang. Beliau menjadi wali dari keluarga kami saat itu. Saya, yang semenjak meninggalnya Papa tidak pernah bertemu beliau menjadi delusi setengah mati. Untuk pertama kalinya dalam kurun waktu 10 tahun, saya bertemu lagi dengan adik Papa saya yang wajah dan perawakannya nyaris mirip dengan Papa 90%. Sungguh, setengah mati saya menahan delusi sampai acara usai. Selesai acara, saya tak sanggup lagi, saya peluk erat beliau setengah mati. Menangis sejadi-jadinya. Melebur bersama memori yang sudah diaduk-aduk dengan delusi, hingga pada akhirnya saya harus berakhir ditidurkan di ranjang sampai pagi. Kala itu, seluruh keluarga besar saya terpaksa menangis bersama. Atas dasar hal ini, mereka kembali mewanti-wanti agar hal yang sama tidak akan terjadi.

Sayangnya, nasehat keluarga saya dan perjuangan saya sia-sia. Tepat ketika lagu "One Thousand Years" diputar dan saya harus mengantarkan kakak saya pada meja akad, air mata saya sudah menetes. Berulang kali saya tahan, berulang kali juga saya gagal. Ketika Om saya sudah memulai kalimat akadnya, saya kembali menangis. Saya bisa merasakan betul suaranya bergetar. Sementara itu, dihadapannya, dibalik kursi kakak saya, saya sedang berjuang mati-matian membunuh delusi yang sudah mulai meranggas dengan ganas. Semakin saya tatap Om saya, semakin saya lihat sosok Papa dimata beliau. Semakin saya mendekat semakin kuat rasa sakit yang saya rasa. Kala itu, sudah 10 tahun berlalu. Di hari yang seharusnya bahagia, masih saja saya tak bisa membendung air mata. Sungguh, memang benar pula kata Kartini.

Alangkah ajaibnya rasa Kasih sayang, dapat jadi sorga, dapat pula jadi neraka. Mencintai Bapak, menghormatinya jadi keperluan hidup kami, itulah bahagia kami yang terutama. Bila hilang rasa Cinta itu, akan gelap sajalah hidup kami. Dari tangannyalah kami hendak menerima bahagia itu, bila tidak bagi kami bukanlah bahagia namanya. Bila tiada merasa cintanya lagi, selama-lamanya kami tiada akan merasa bahagia sepenuhnya, dan bila ada juga merasa cintanya maka kemalangan kami pun tidak akan pernah terasa segenapnya.

Teruntuk lelaki pertama dihidupku.

Kali ini aku menulis tentangmu, lagi.

Bagaimana kabarmu, Pah?

Aku merindukanmu.

Setengah mati.

Lagi.

Dan lagi.

Bagaimana ini?

Dear SAFEL, I Love You, Do You Believe Me?

:"Experiential learning takes place when a person involved in an activity looks back and evaluates it, determines what was useful or important to remember, and uses this information to perform another activity.”
Jhon D

Buat aini..

Aku nggak tau yang ada dipikiran aini pengen lanjut atau enggak, tapi aku tau di agenda aini selalu ada tempat untuk agenda safel...

Walau kadang suka overlap sama kesibukan ai yang banyaknya 11 12 sama vin~

Aku nggak mau nahan kamu di safel karena aku tau kamu punya kemampuan yang lebih diluar safel...

Tapi kalo kamu masih betah di safel dan masih punya tujuan yang belom tercapai di safel, tentu pintu safel akan selalu terbuka lebar untuk ai~

Intinya aku nggak mau maksa ataupun membebani...

Ikuti saja kata hati..

Karena keputusan malam ini adalah keputusan yang akan menentukan jalan yang akan kamu tempuh selama setahun kedepan...

Saya tau, pesan singkat yang dikirim Ketua Divisi saya tengah malam kemarin, ditulis dengan penuh pengertian. Dan ketika cerita ini saya jabarkan, saya sudah menjawab pesan diatas secara langsung melalui forum Rapat Besar SAFEL yang terakhir, yang kira-kira sudah berlalu empat jam yang lalu...

*****

               

                Dear SAFELita,

              Do you know? That I tried as best as I can to hold my tears during our last meeting some hours ago? I know you may think that I’m melancholy or even over acting. I know, that some of you thought that SAFEL is only an ordinary organization or may be SAFEL is only place for spend your free time during this university’s life. But, who knows that SAFEL can be a guardian for someone?

                Dear SAFELita,

               Do you know? 2,5 years ago, in the middle of 2014, I was registered to SAFEL with brought a lot of big dreams, really. At that time, I brought “My Unanswered Prayers” and tried to believe that SAFEL could make them true. (Anyway you can read it “My Unanswered Prayers” in here http://ainisyarifah96.blogspot.co.id/2014/07/unanswered-prayers.html ). For almost 2,5 years, there were a lot of things happened. For more than 50 programs, student exchanges, competitions, conferences and FGD that I’ve been applied, I always include SAFEL as my proud organization with a lot of golden work experiences on my CV. Bullshit if I say that I can make them all true, but still, I’m proud to say that 90% of my dreams and my Unanswered Prayers that I brought 2,5 years ago to SAFEL were became true. More than because of my CV that written SAFEL in it, all those golden experiences that I got from SAFEL are the best thing that I ever got in my life, in my way on make all my dreams become true.

                Dear SAFELita,

                Thank you for understand really well for all my faults and my absence in our agenda. Thank you for being my eternal supporter, my understandable families and also thank you for being my super warm and welcoming home.

                Dear SAFELita who didn't know me,

                I know, you may didn’t saw me often in our every agenda. You may think that I’m not care enough to our beloved home. And even, may be, you are think that I'm not good enough Senior for you. But, do you still believe me if I say that there are so many ways to show up and tell to peoples who you loved that you love them so much?

                Dear SAFELita who didn’t believe yet that our home is awesome,

                I know, that our home is not popular like the other Foreign Languages Organization from another Universities. I also know, that our events were not glamour enough than another events from another Universities. But do you ever realized that a lot of awesome achievement that you read it every year in Stadium General were come up from our beloved home?

                Dear SAFEL,

                I love you, I adore you,

                In so many ways,

                Do you believe me?

Yogyakarta, 16-12-2016

01.40am

Your CCU-LM’s sister in 2014 till 2016.

Let it be "Late" but You Know How Much I love You, Right?

I write this story for the one,

Who keep asking me how about the next chapter of my "Unanswered Prayer's story"

Who still don't believing in patient, hard work, and prayer. 

More than that,

I write this story for the one,

Who didn't know that she take a big part of my next chapter from "Unanswered Prayer's Story"

******

When I start write this blog, 

I'm in a hurry,

Running to catch my dream,

From Adusicipto Airport to Soetta Airport, Soetta Airport to Changi Airport then finally Changi Airport to Doengmuang Airport. 

And now, when you read this part, I already sitting in my dorm. Is 03.19 am in here, but I can't sleep, no I mean I don't wanna sleep. Because I have a reason, that should make me stay, awake.

2 years ago,

Around October, 2014.

Was the first time for me to know her in person. Before that chance, I didn't know about her popularity in campus or even about how peoples really want to close with her. I even didn't know who is she when people around me keep talking about her achievements. But then, I meet her, listen about her wonderful story, then realize that she is more than what peoples thought, that she is more than an awesome girl.

At that time, the questions that flood up in my mind was, "Why she choose this university instead of another prestigious one? Since she is awesome, is there any university would reject her?"

But it was just my questions that I never asked to her. Till February 2015, she asked me to accompany her free time, in Ambarukmo Plaza. Start from bought batik clothes, then ate at fish & co cafe, watched movie, walked around Amplaz, then end up in Naradha 8A.

I remember that time, we spent our time for almost 12 hour. Talked about everything, 'bout dream, 'bout life, and more than that, 'bout the reason why she study in our university and how she become a super awesome girl.

After my Mom and my two older sisters, she was the fourth people in my life, who really take a big part of my next chapter of "My Unanswered Prayer's Story"

Probably, she didn't know about how important she is in my life. Nor how about she influence my way for this latest 2 years. She even probably dunno, how I want to tell all of this to her.

Then, when you already read this, I'm already lying on my bed. In 12.25 am. This is actually already 31th October, and her birthday already passed.

Did you know? I was sooo busy running around Kasetsart University. Prepared all of the things. From filled up the University form, dorm form, seeing around the building, introduce your self to A,B,C and start to talk about anything. Then, finally, the sky already dark. Back to dorm, lying on the bed, then suddenly the sky already bright.

And now, when you read this part, she already mention me on her instagram, asked me why I didn't say anything about her birthday.

Dear, Mami.

Did you know? I looking up my schedule, looking for the time when I can go to Grand Palace, I know that you love the King. So I want to write that birthday's paper on that place.

But my lecture set up those schedule for tomorrow, so I should wait till tomorrow. 1st of November 2016.

And now, when you come to this part, I'm in the bus, on the way to go Siam. It's a little bit difficult to talk with them, since they can't speak english, and I'm soo bad in thai language. But lucky me, that I found another good guy, who help me to translate what I want to say to driver. 

Dear Mami Ara, 

the one who understand and trust my dreams.

Did you know?

That all story above 30% inspired by my family, 20% by my self then 50% by you.

You?

Yes, you are. 

Because you teach me how to struggle, how to believe in your self and how to stay in here, without any regret.

And now, here I am

In one of my-dreams-comes-true as student of -my-university-that-I-never-thought-before

Dear Mami Ara, 

Did you know?

That I adore you in so many way.

That you are one of my reason why I staying in here.

So, do you believe me if I didn't say anything about your birthday?

Dear Mami Ara,

Happy 25th!

Please, enjoy your life!

Thank you for always supporting me, loving me, and caring me in any kind of situation. 

Nothing that I wish except your happiness.

May Allah always blessing you as always.

So, you know how much I love you, right?

With love,

Your lil girl.