Life isn't always lovely, but it's a beautiful ride

Hai, I know it's already 2018, but how your 2017? 

What your best companion?

Your best healer?

This post probably gonna be so cliche, but yeah, if you curious about my 2017's life, enjoy.

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"we don’t grow when things are easy, we grow when we face challenges."

Hai, do you know that every year couldn't be so lovely and successful year? I know,
I know it for sure, so do my 2017.
I fought for so many rain, and couldn't see the rainbow yet. 
Ya, struggle is not a joke, sometimes it's drive me crazy.

In the end of 2016, I resigned from my 2 UKM (Safel, Magenta Radio) and volunteer activities that I really love. For 2 years since 2014, I gave my time to them. I got so many events, meetings, GR, and so many hectic stuff with them. Even on weekend, I often have kind of A, B, or C things to attend. It was both tired and excited at the same time. Sometimes I got stressed but also got a lot of happiness. Through this UKM and volunteer activities, I got everything that always I dreaming for long time. 

If you read my "Unanswered Prayer" that I post at this blog in 2014, you probably know why I run away from my academic life and choose to trapped in the middle of outside class's activities.

Ya, because I used to hate my own path. So I decide to run away. And I think outside class's activities were my real path. I learn about Cross Culture Understanding, about foreign language, about making project and event, about marketing stuff, about being Radio announcer, being MC, doing live reportage, doing interview, and so many things. More than that, I found new family and friends that I could rely on, that I could trust to discover and learn something new together. We discuss, we fought, we cried, and we laugh in so many things. You know? Because of them I'm alive. I fall for them, till I forget that I still have another important thing to be done. And that was, my academic life.

I'm not an IPK girl, seriously. I don't even often check my siakad. It's because I don't care, and I realized I'm not "top student" in my class. So that's why I run away from the class. I tried to join Safel and Magenta, I start apply for so many things, and I start to join some volunteer activities outside University. Because I know there's nothing that I could do with my academic life. Because I know I'm not smart enough to bet top students in my class and because I realized, I couldn't do nothing. If I couldn't do A, so I should try B, C, until there isn't alphabet anymore in the world.

Until someday I realized, I couldn't be so egoist. I know I couldn't run away forever. My Mama need my academic report. I know she hesitate to asked my IPK since 2014 because she know I'm in pain. But I couldn't do this any longer. So that's why I promise to her to resigned from UKM and all of volunteer activities in the end of 2016 and start to do my academic life with all of my soul in 2017. 

Is it hard?

Yes, really hard.

I'm dying in a year.

I used to be hectic with a lot of activities, I used to meet a lot of peoples and hear many kind of "receh-but entertain" jokes. But suddenly I should being a girl who "not-so-me". What could I do were only went to campus, did assignments, back to Kos, then suddenly it's already morning, and I should do the same thing everyday. Sadly, I didn't see any significant progress yet from my effort. And it's drive me crazy. Seriously, I miss my old path back then. Everyday I told my self with thousand word of "If I could run away to my old path..."

Meanwhile,

I got a lot of friends through UKM and my volunteer activities, and I'm keep in touch with them on Social Media. They keep share their activities, and I saw it everyday. They do a lot of positive and useful things. Meanwhile, I just doing my academic life for my self, and I didn't see a good result yet.
Honestly, I'm jealous. I'm jealous with them who can do a lot of positive things to their self and other. I feel my 2017 path was not so me.

But, 

People keep asking me why I'm resigned, why I didn't join this event, why I didn't apply this project, why I didn't join this volunteer activity. And it's killing me for sure. 

Would they understand my answer?

If I try to tell them, would they hear my super long reason?

And, even if they said yes, I realized, I'll be the one who couldn't tell them. Because once I start to tell them the reason, I probably couldn't hold my tears. And I don't wanna show my tears to them.

Ya, that's the art of struggle. Being strong in struggle is hard, isn't? But, you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have, right??

So that's why I try to looking for a best companion and healer. 

Do you know what is that?

That were "library" and "books".

I dunno how much I should say thanks to "library" and "books" that being both my best companion and healer whenever I feel so desperate. 

You know? every time I ran to library, walking in each row, pick up some books, turn the page and fall into them, it's kinda peaceful time. Suddenly, library and book being my favorite place to escape. It's warm, it's safe, it's peaceful. ❤

In that place, through library and book, I tried to make a peace with my own self. It's such long journey. But it's amazing. Finally, I realized, there's nothing to do with regret. If it already happen, just let it be. Saying "If I could run away to my old path" will not changes the fate. What you can do is only making a new goal, making a new dream, and fight for them without complaining until your last breath. Because "as you waste your breath complaining about life, someone out there is probably breathing their last breath and appreciate what you have."

Look, struggle is not easy right?
But that's okay, because,

"Struggles make you stronger, the changes make you wiser and happiness has its own way of taking its sweet time. Life isn't always lovely, but it's a beautiful ride." ❤ -Allan Garry

So, how about you?

Did you feel your 2017 was not lovely than before?? 

Do you have your best companion and healer to heal your pain?

Let me know, I'll glad to hear your story :)