A Letter: Life, Pain, Hope, Forgiveness and Us

“Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.”
— Oprah Winfrey

Dear Mb Putri,

You might realized I'm no longer "your-childhood's-best-friend-used-to-be" after that day. After those death announcement sounded all around our "playground" in 2005. You told me you cried after you heard it. I told you I'm okay after all. But the fact was, I'm dead. 

I don't remember all the detailed of my life after the funeral. I just found my future was end, but my "new" life just begun. The worst begun.
I don't have any good memories after all. What I could saw just black, and black.
I hate going to school. For 1 year I often skipped class, went to hospital, sleep on my bed, wonder that it was just a dream, but I woke up the next day, and everything just the same: a girl without Dad, a girl without hope, a girl without a happy life.
I don't even remember are we still playing around together everyday at 2005-2007?
Am I still being your "childhood's best friend" as usual? A normal me? As normal as before my Dad gone?

Dear Mb Putri, 

You know, those years we're the worst years in my life. I just could believe that everything just changes 180 degree without permission. I'm just around 8 or 9 years old back then, and you know that. I'm just a little girl who didn't know everything. I dunno why my Dad didn't work anymore, why my Dad getting pale day by day, why my Dad didn't recovery soon and even, what kind of my Dad's disease? Then I remember one day, a day when I was so tired to saw him went to Hospital every week with Taxi. Then I told my Dad with anger why he sell our car, I told him that everything would be easier if he didn't sell it. And he just asked me to shut up. I was about to cry. Didn't expect that he would be like that. Then the next month he gone. And I regret to said that kind of word on him. On his difficult time. If you asked me what am I remember from those years, I just remember about cried, skipped class, pain and medicine. 

I hate going to school. I hate to realized that I'm no longer a normal student. You know that, in back then, being 'a girl without Dad' in our extraordinary school was rare. I hate get any pitiful sight, sympathy feel or empathy act. I hate being attention, a worst attention. But I couldn't tell anyone. Even I couldn't tell to you. I just end up cried by my self.
More than that, I hate my new life. My new life without Dad. I used to hate being struggler. I hate started from the new beginning, from the lower ground. I really want to tell you that I was so sad, that I hurt, that I really really shame with my life without my Dad. At that time, I thought that my family without him just nothing. The fact that I couldn't buy anything easily anymore, I used to hate that. But I know I couldn't tell anyone, you, my sisters or even my Mom.

Dear Mb Putri, at that time you know it, that I didn't have Dad anymore. That my life changes. That I'm no longer the old me. But, you still beside me, no matter what happened, no matter what I ride.

Then, we started our junior high school life. Our adventure begun. Your unwanted school, your illness, your new little brother, your transferred school, your new life. So do I. My desperate of school, my Mama's surgery, my another black life, my another struggle.
And, you (still) beside me, so do I (still) beside you. We shared each other pain.

Senior High School life begun. I moved. You still. Did you know? At that time I runned away. I used to hate this small town. No I mean I used to hate all those pain in this town. So I decided to moved. I thought it would be a new day. A new friends, new story, a new hope. But the fact was, I keep struggling in the beginning. It was not an easy way at all. But at least, I found a new hope. My life get a little better and better. Better than before. And you still beside me. No matter what happen. In my pain, in my happy time.

Until, in the late of 2013. The hardest storm hit you. I know you are in a deep pain. But I couldn't say anything, and I won't. I used to be your position. And I know there's nothing to help with word. Back then, I just need your existence. So I thought you would be like that. You know Mbak? I wrote a letter to you on that day. A letter that I never send to you. You can read it in here. http://ainisyarifah96.blogspot.co.id/2016/08/im-not-ok-you-are-not-ok-and-that-is-ok.html
Just like I wrote in the last line.
"Everything gonna be okay. I'm here, I'm with you" :')

And look. It already 2017 Mbak, and our pain were healed one by one:') Slowly, but sure, we could stand with our own feet. Without burden, without hate. Slowly, but sure, struggle become our bestfriend in our life. We cried for it, but we thanks to 'em. We know, that without struggle, we couldn't be a strong girl. We couldn't be what we are today.

Dear Mb Putri,
I'm strong because of struggle.
But I couldn't passed those struggle without you.
I never wonder how my life without you. How my life if God didn't give a life for you in 5 June in 22 years ago.

Dear Mb Putri,
Happy birthday Mbak, Happy belated 22 birthday:)
Nothing, nothing that I wish except your happiness.

Dear Mb Putri.
My sister, my best, my everything. 

Our another struggle might come.

Let's pass it together.
Let's getting older together.
Let's celebrate our 30 years old, 40 years old, 50 years old, 60 years old, 70 or 80..something years old together.
Trust me, I would never be boring with that.
So please, stay healthy.
Stay stand by my side.
No matter what happen.

Dear Mb Putri.
Let's build our bright future together.
Till the end. Till I'm dead. Till we meet again in Jannah :')

Love you as always.
As you know how much I love you.
Your bestie since born.